Sometimes circumstances in life occur that bring a stark reality to a person. I am not sure how to share this story without sounding like I am having a pity party. I certainly am not, I am realizing something significant.
I spent 12 hours yesterday orchestrating the best death I could for my brother and my family. I can not begin to describe what it took out of me. I gave everything in my being to do this. I would do it again in a heart beat. I am not going to share the details here, but it was an incredible experience and the outcome was mind blowing.
It was all said and done and my family began the process of leaving the hospital. I realized that I am the only single person in my family. They all began to get on their coats and walk arm and arm to their cars. I parked in a different garage then they did, so at some point, I turned in a different direction and completed my walk to my car alone. A realization that just seemed to be so strong. I am alone. I spent the entire day caring for others needs fully (without any regret or expectation, it just is simply what I did) and now, here I was, alone. Not a soul to comfort me. I decided at that late hour that I was going to drive back to Ann Arbor. I needed time to think and allow my mind to process some of it.
Someone had said to me, when I spoke to them on the phone earlier before I left the hospital, that I would be able to take care of myself (after wondering if anyone was going to take care of me now).
That thought bounced around in my head. Not only is no one willing to take care of me, there is no one to take care of me. And that is reality for everyone in some ways.........but all of my siblings and parents, all went home with someone that cared about them, that could hug them and lay in bed with them as they cried.
I realized that what this person said, is true. I will take care of myself. I always have, and maybe that is why I have been single for so long, to prepare myself to care for myself.
I am glad that I drove home. If I am the one that is going to care for myself, then I wanted to be in my own space, in my own bed, in my own shower.
There is a deep sense of loneliness for me today. Simply silence. I think that might be what I might expect for some time now. That is not a bad thing. I often think how nice it would be to not have it be silent, to not have it be aloneness.......but there is just not much for me to do to change that. It is what it is. For today, for this moment.
I am really grateful that I DO know how to take care of myself. And that I will do.