Monday, March 31, 2008

21 days

21 days from today I will be taking a final exam and be officially finished with this term. (hopefully with an acceptable grade in all 4 of my classes, as I have said before anything less than a B in graduate school does not count)

I have MUCH to do before then. Way too much. But I am focused. I can do this.

I am super excited about the Spring and Summer. I have been trying to fly under the radar here in the school of nursing. Just trying to be neutral. They don't want neutral, they want "superstar". So That is exactly what I am going to give them this Spring and Summer. I already began work on my position as a research assistant. I am actually the project coordinator and it is FUN! (TONS of work, but FUN, THIS is what I came to Doctoral school for!) So I think just getting a taste of doing research will help inspire the superstar in me as well!

Now is time for class..........I hope your day is fabulous!


Saturday, March 29, 2008


Enough with the boys.

It is going to be a busy summer. I spent 3 hours with my advisor today. I am working as her research assistant this summer, only it is beginning NOW! (with 3 weeks of the term left...oye)

So you see.

Enough with the boys.

Batteries work just fine.


Friday, March 28, 2008


I think I know why I am single. I really hate dating. Maybe my standards are too high? I don't think they are THAT high, the main important qualities:

1. Ability to hold intelligent discourse
2. Ability to care about a woman's needs in bed
3. Affectionate, but not completely clingy

That is not too much to ask. Is it? Meh.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Keeping track

I have a slight panicked feeling of "am I getting everything finished that I need to get finished??" Sometimes keeping track of things is the biggest challenge!

I had a meeting this morning, then I totally forgot about my tutor appointment!! I felt so bad when he called me. (see, keeping track is the biggest challenge). Anyway.....home now and about to sit down with all of my syllabi and make sure that I am not forgetting any assignments.

Another night of studying with my study buddy, so I should manage to get a lot accomplished.

This term is so close to being over! woohooooo!!! (not celebrating yet, but just one little woohoo for the almost over part)

Ok.....onward! Peace.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008


Ha! The Graduate Student Interns are on strike today and tomorrow, so class was cancelled. I am taking the opportunity to use part of the time to clean my apartment. It really needed it! I am not getting into my closet spaces and my spare room, that will have to wait until after the term. But for now, dusted, swept, cleaned all the surfaces. I have my iPod blaring and am about to organize my books and papers. (oh the joy) THEN, the rest of the day and evening will be spent reading and preparing a paper. My study buddy is coming over tonight to study and he is going to help me with the paper a bit. He is a philosophy major and it is a philosophy paper, so that is awesome.

I think I am starting to get back to center. When I get knocked off center it really throws me for a loop. I am finding center again though and hopefully I can keep it better this time.

I also have a load of things to accomplish for my program plan and my "new" job as a research assistant. I guess I should have done that instead of cleaning the apartment. Oh well.....too late now! I will get that done too.


Monday, March 24, 2008

Monday, Monday

I always think of that song by the Mommas and the Pappas (right???)

Mondays are full days for me and this one is no different. I have a ton of homework plus 2 LONG classes. My day won't end until about 9pm tonight.....and then I can only hope it is over....ha!

I am simply trying to remember to be present in each moment these days. I so often get so wrapped up in the "drama" of it all that I forget to simply be present and breathe. Those are my goals these days......simply to breathe and to keep pressing on to learn all that I am suppose to be learning.........those are pretty big goals really when you stop and think about it.

I hope that you each are finding moments of peace and are working to reach your own goals.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Wish I was home

I had a nice visit with the kids yesterday and now today I won't see them much. I am sitting here, wishing that I was "home" at my apartment. I however must go see my mother and have Easter Dinner with her (which will be nice) yet, I really simply have a desire to be home. I will be leaving from my mother's place as soon as it is socially acceptable (and hopefully before the snow begins). Then a 2 hour drive and I will be home. It is strange that I feel so strongly about this. It almost feels like panic. Knowing that I still have homework to do might contribute to that.

I also have some lingering thoughts and feelings about my encounter with my new friend. What might this new person in my life be here to teach me and how painful might it actually turn out to be? HA, that is funny, I am already anticipating it to be painful. I think that is a stretch, certainly nothing that he will do will hurt me or cause me pain, it is simply my own reaction to the situation that might cause me some pain. Those thoughts are sitting heavily with me this morning.

I read a piece by Mark Nepo this morning that touched my heart and reminded me of something that I so often forget.......

It is true; there is such sadness in the world. But there is a difference between feeling the pain of things breaking, ending, or drifting apart, and the sharper pain that comes from measuring the inevitable events of life against some ideal of how we imagine things are supposed to be. In receiving hardships this way, life is always a falling off. Life is hard enough without viewing all our pain as evidence of some basic insufficiency we must endure.

There is a beautiful Tibetan myth that helps us to accept our sadness as a threshold to all that is life-changing and lasting. This myth affirms that all spiritual warriors have a broken heart. - Alas, must have a broken heart - because it is only through the break that the wonder and mysteries of life can enter us.

So what does it mean to be a spiritual warrior? it is far from being a soldier, but more the sincerity with which a soul faces itself in a daily way. It is the courage to be authentic that keeps us strong enough to withstand the heartbreak through which enlightenment can occur. And it is by honoring how life comes through us that we get the most out of living, not by keeping ourselves out of the way. The goal is to mix our hands in the earth, not to stay clean.

I am going to get ready for the day and then do some of my homework before I head over to my mother's. With any luck at all, I will be home by 5 or 6pm tonight.

Much love and peace to all of you.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Getting ready......

To head over to see the kidlets. I met a new friend yesterday. A truly special soul. I am not even sure what to say about him aside from that. This is someone that could change my life experience. I don't think that he is going to be a long term relationship sort of person in my life (although I would not be opposed to it, it just seems like it isn't going to be that, at least not at this point) But just getting to know him and sharing experiences with him, is going to change me, I can feel it. Sorry to be ambiguous but I have no other way to describe it at this moment. Except for peace and comfort. Those two words describe him as well.


Thursday, March 20, 2008


I am in a big push to get my homework finished so that I can head home to see my babies this weekend. I miss them and so since it is Easter, I thought they might be around a bit (they are busier than I am!!) Sure enough, they are going to be around home and were real excited to hear that I was going to head over for a visit. I think that they might miss me as much as I miss them!

I think it might be good to just feel loved for a weekend. Particularly after this intense period of not feeling quite adequate and of course the whole live maggots thing.......

Thus, a major push to get the homework finished. I can take readings for next week with me, but actual assignments, I need to get those done. It is doable!!!

So, it may be that you won't hear from me too much the next few days. If so, you can rest assured that I am lovin on my babies, which includes watching Utube videos and sharing the iPod and going for long walks, and piled on the sofa with 3 adult children just laughing and talking about their recent antics..............sounds absolutely perfect!

(T9- I found the Missing Piece .....I will read it this weekend!)


Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Evolution of Catie

There is part of the old Katie, aka Glider Katie. This Katie has glided through life. Seemingly effortlessly. Of course it was not without some effort, often clawing and scratching her way..........Most often without much assistance. There wasn't anyone to assist. She worked, got through school raising 3 children. She was a determined soul. However, much of this came very easy to Glider Katie, she really didn't have to put forth much effort, aside from dogged determination.

Then she entered Graduate school, after having sold her house, used more than half of her retirement to set up an apartment for her self, quit her job and moved away from the babies that she loved for the last 24 years. (in other words, she put all of her fucking eggs in one basket) Glider Katie thought that she was going to be able to glide through graduate school, just like she did everything else in her 46 years of life. Until one day..........

She realized that Glider Katie needed to die. No longer was this part of Catie needed, it served her well (and not so well) for a long time, but now, it was time to debride this piece off.

Debridement is a medical term referring to the removal of dead, damaged, or infected tissue to improve the healing potential of the remaining healthy tissue. Removal may be surgical, mechanical, chemical, autolytic (self-digestion), and by maggot therapy, where certain species of live maggots selectively eat only necrotic tissue.

Nice vision huh? That is what is happening now. And let me tell you, it feels as if live maggots are eating Glider Katie alive.

Success my friends, is the best revenge. *evil grin*

Monday, March 17, 2008

Almost on top

I am almost on top of the situation. Thank goodness. I meet with the dean today and will tie up a few loose ends.

I am likely going to drop a class (I am doing 5 credits beyond full time for graduate school, so dropping 3 credits won't impact the situation in a negative way, and is likely going to save some of my sanity)

Not much else to report today, I am busting it to get everything in today. More later.


Friday, March 14, 2008

Did you ever notice.........

That when I get all doom and gloom, sick, down, gets eerily quiet here? Yeah. Me too.

Ok, I really am trying to snap out of it. Really. I am.

Could it be that this is graduate school and each term I am going to feel this magnitude of stress?

Uh huh. So. Suppose I should figure out how to adjust better to this huh?

Yeah. Me too.

I went to the symphony tonight. Alone. I asked upwards of 15 people who all turned me down. I even asked a few of my professors! Notta. So then I put it up on Craigslist (under platonic) and I got 2 people who would love to go, but had plans for tonight (like wtf, then why reply?? LOL) Then I got one response that was willing to go. So first, I offered to give him the tickets and take someone else. He had no one to take. Ok, so tell me a little about you. His first response he seemed fairly normal, so I figured, all I had to do was sit next to him for 2 hours. So I suggested that we meet at a coffee shop near the auditorium at 7pm. I sent him my photo, described myself. I should have thought something when he wouldn't describe himself and said he would find me. (I also, gave him my cell number) I was specific where I would be and at what time I would leave to head to the auditorium (I wasn't going to miss the performance if he was a no show). So, he was a no show. I left, had my phone on up until 8pm. I arrived home and he emailed right when I got home, showed up at the coffee house 40 minutes late cause of parking (whatever). I said, uh huh, that is why I gave you my phone number, he said he forgot to write it down before he left. Ok. whatever. sorry you missed the performance. THEN he says (at 10:30pm!!!) You want me to come over for tea???? WTF????? Ummm....NO! Shit. So even though I posted it under platonic, all he was looking for was a little something?? Give me a fucking break.

So how is that for a little laugh.......for a smart chick, I am pretty stupid. :o)

Feeling of Dread

I can not shake this feeling of doom/dread that I have. It started yesterday and it is not a pleasant feeling. Even typing it here, makes me feel uncomfortable. Freaky.

I continue to get better. Yesterday was a bit rough, getting out for the first time. My mid term for philosophy did not go as well as I would have liked it to. I might have to drop that class. It is a core class for my degree, so that means I need to take it again if I do drop it. We shall see. All I know at this moment is I have a crap load of work to do, with or without that class.

Meh. I wish this doom feeling would go away.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

More better.....

(sorry, bad english, says it) I continue to improve. It is really amazing how sick I have been this past week. I typically do not get sick. In the past I was a single parent of 3 children, working, going to school, etc. So many people depended on me to NOT be sick. So if I happened to get sick, I still went full motion ahead. Could it be psychological? I succumbed to this sickness because no one was depending on me to not be sick? Who is to say. I think it is interesting though. And in the future, I will dream up people and things that need for me to not be sick, so that I can go ahead full motion, I think I would rather do that, then lay in bed for 3 days and be sick. That really sucked.

Fortunately for me Jim was conversing with me via email and kept me from being too lonely.

I am not 100%, but considering how I felt that last 3 days, I feel good compared to that!



Wednesday, March 12, 2008


Finally, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel! I have been sitting up most of the day. I did sleep this morning, and honestly, wanted this afternoon as well, but I forced myself to sit up and watch a movie. I feel better this afternoon than I did this morning. I am for sure on the mend. Thank goodness. This thing really kicked me in the ass!! Hopefully it just will only improve from this point on.

That is all for now.......peace.......and may you NOT get this, coz it sucks!

No Spontaneous healing

In other words, I am still sick. I do think that I am getting better. I will get showered and ready and likely head to the 3 meetings on my schedule today. That is a lofty goal, however at any point, I can decide to return home and nurse myself some more. [Ed. Note: no chance in hell that I can attend 3 meetings, I am canceling them all and going back to UHS] This thing completely kicked me in the ass! Which means that I will also stop by UHS and see about some antibiotics. Even though I am doing somewhat better, my lungs hurt and I am coughing up lovely mucous plugs left and right (at least I can breathe better once I dislodge those suckers) I am certain my neighbors below me which I would get coughing all night had to be annoying, and it isn't just a cough, but a fog horn sounding cough.....hideous actually.

It can only get better..........and everytime I think that.........guess what....something happens to make it worse!

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

I am about to crawl out of bed.........

And make myself some tomato soup. Maybe take a shower. It is a good thing that my phone doesn't ring that much, I sound HORRIBLE! I was wheezing all night.....I am a little afraid this is turning into pneumonia. Thankfully Jim is aware of the situation and on the ready should I call him. I am not good at asking for help. The morning was a little rough, but I think I might be on the downhill part of this now......maybe......if I eat a little something and take a might help. They took a swab for Strep yesterday, but my throat didn't look like strep, however because I have some wheezing (more last night) there is some concern about pneumonia. Of course no one gives out antibiotics unless it is KNOWN that it is bacterial. This of course means that I suffer until they decide and then I also must go back in to get the that point I could be dead....HA! (That gives you an idea of just how shitty I feel). I really did not need to miss more classes....shit. Ok.....lets see if some soup and a shower helps. The albuteral inhaler has been useless, although the salt water irrigation seems to help some. I hope that non of you has to experience SUCKS.

Monday, March 10, 2008

More than viral

Ok....I think this is more than a viral thing.....I have a fever (I actually took it) and I am sweating profusely off and on, My throat is so raw. I am at UHS waiting to see the doctor. I have been having difficulty breathing today.....which is a horrible feeling!

This too shall pass!

Sunday, March 09, 2008


Well my friends, for someone who does not ever get sick......I have now been sick 3 times this term alone....can you say the word.....STRESS!!!!


This is a bad throat, head, upper chest........I am feeling slightly feverish far I am thinking viral,so there is really nothing to do except to treat the symptoms. I sound AWFUL, I can barely talk. It settled nicely in my larynx. (also knows as Laryngitis). Sipping some hot orange herbal tea with honey at the moment.

My study buddy and I studied for over 8 hours yesterday and we will be doing the same again today.It works out well actually. We both are getting far more accomplished than if we were trying to do our work alone. I am also getting to know a really nice person. I actually will be working more than 8 hours today, Scary.

Ok, I need to get started, and down some motrin throat hurts like hell, at least motrin might take some of the pain and swelling away?? Meh. I hate being sick.

I met with my advisor yesterday and it was a very good meeting. I may actually drop one of the classes......this is insane. But I will determine that this week sometime.


Thursday, March 06, 2008


Yes indeed, I am still here! I met my new "study buddy" tonight. He is a very pleasant guy from India. 26 years old and very well versed in English. We spoke for about 15 minutes then we went to the library and sat across from each other and studied! At one point I was playing with my Ipod and he says "How is it going over there?" I said, "fine" as I set my iPod down....LOL. So this is going to be a good arrangement. We are allowing ourselves to have tomorrow off. (we both have a class tomorrow and we also both have plans with friends) Then this weekend, we are going to study!!! I am getting caught up, I should be caught up by the end of the weekend.

Here is a story to share..........yesterday when I was doing my errands I stopped at the sex store on campus. (a girl needs a few toys) so I selected my purchases and paid for them. I then put the bag of goodies in my purse/bag and went on my way. I went to another store off campus and when I walked in, I thought I heard that buzzing noise, like someone left the store with a sensor thing, but since I was coming into the store, I did not pay much attention. I did not find what I was looking for at this store, so I left with out making a purchase. The buzzing goes off again. Only since I did not make a purchase, they needed to search my bag/purse. Yeah. Embarrassing for all present on that search!! Only ME, I swear to God........thankfully I kept my receipt!

Ok, that might be TMI for most of you.....but it is a hell of a funny story.....;o)


Wednesday, March 05, 2008


Clinton won Ohio and Texas. That really pisses me off. HOW is she getting the vote????? Seriously people, we did NOT like her when she was the first lady!!!!!! I am sickened by this and if she wins the democratic nomination, I will vote for McCain, not that it will do much good. I think America is very against Republican's at this point. Oye!!! I don't think I can stand having her in office for 4 or......holy mother of God.....8 years.

Please Obama!!!

I got a lot done today (running the ranch wise) The next 4 days will be for homework mainly.

My dinner plans were cancelled.....I think I will put in a movie and relax for now. Peace.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

How is this??!!

Ok, so I found a 26 year old undergraduate Senior with a dual major of philosophy and math that needs a "study partner". This is someone to hold him accountable to study and not go out and party or to start doing something totally trivial. I of course benefit from the same thing,(although I am not tempted to go out and party) plus he is majoring in two subjects that I need help in! This could work out well for the remainder of the term. We are going to test out the theory on Friday to see how it works.

Insomniac I have been awake since about 3:30, I finally just got up. I have 10 typed pages of study material for my mid term that I am taking today. The prof did email me last night and said, good thing I switched it to today, he had forgotten that I was taking it yesterday and was not prepared for me. So I worried about that for nothing. Honestly, I am not ready still, but I doubt I would be ready this week at any point, and I think it will be a huge relief to have it DONE. It is going to be one hell of a long day though. Study from now until 12:30 when I show up to take the test. Then, THAT class until 5 pm, THEN I have an hour and a half conference call for another class directly after that until 7:30. I rented a movie for me to watch after that. I deserve a little break. Tomorrow is going to be FULL, mostly with errands and running the ranch type activities. The rest of the week and weekend is devoted to finishing getting caught up, and THAT is a huge task, but a doable one.

I think I am on the right track.


Monday, March 03, 2008

Oh the Joy

Well, I am still here. I have decided that tutors is the way to go. Seriously, why am I pulling out my hair? I KNOW that I learn from verbal communication. From actively discussing it with another person. This read volumes of information, which, oh btw most of which does not apply, and then teaching it to myself. Yeah. That is not working so great. A tutor, that is someone that can discuss the topics with me, explain the parts that I am not sure of and confirm the other parts. That is so much better. Now, I have to find them and pay them. ROFL.

It is all good (aside from the major run on sentence above) and I will survive it. The question is will you all survive reading the drama about it? My apologies. Really. And thanks Roy for the kick in the ass, you know I needed it. And that is where the tutor idea is coming from too. HOW do I give my best? How do I give my all? I think I need a little assistance, at least until I get myself up and running a little better.

Ok, I must run to class. Monday's are the worst day. Tomorrow is the mid term for Philosophy, at least I hope so. I emailed the prof and said I wasn't coming today, but would be there tomorrow before class. I have not heard a peep from him. I am sure he will allow me to, and if not, well, there ya go, one class off my plate! hee hee. Ok.....class until 9pm...then more studying.....

peace out.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Peeking out again

Good Lord.......if I didn't have to quit smoking again, I would start smoking. No shit.

There is no end to this. There just isn't. Shit is getting piled higher and higher. I think if I can accept that, and just know that for the next 7 weeks, I am going to be piled with shit, I might survive it.

The first semester was bad. This semester is bad in a different way. Of course a death in the family is an extra set of circumstances. Also my social life has had some playing time in this drama as well. All in all, I am learning probably what I am suppose to be learning in my first year of doctoral school. Basically that graduate school is a pile of shit, that just keeps getting piled higher and deeper and you win by having persistence in the face of the pile of shit. Nice.

There is no end. And I need to rise to a different level than I am currently on in order to be successful. I feel like I need MORE ambition or more drive (where the hell I get that is beyond me).......that is what it is though, persistence in the face of a pile of shit piled higher and deeper every time you blink your eyes.

This too shall pass.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

It is nearly over

I am not going to get it all done. I am just not going to. What is probably going to suffer the most is my Philosophy mid term. The rest of the work that I don't finish by Monday, I will catch up on Wednesday. I think that will be what I need. So basically it is going to be another week of 16 hour schoolwork days. If I can pull off a decent mid term for Philosophy, I should be ok.

Anyway. The tutor was great. And he will be of great help to me next semester as well. I gave him an extra $20 so that he would be "on call" for me via email for a few days. So as I finish this work, I can email him questions. My brother and mother came for lunch and we had a nice afternoon. They were only here for 4 hours, so it wasn't like a huge chunk of my day.

It is 8:30, but I think I will be up for a few more hours. I need to feel like I am getting at least ONE class tied up and put to bed before I go to bed.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day.

There is a slight feeling of panic. I do love that the really DIFFICULT shit, I am doing without the damn professors who wouldn't help me and suggested that I quit. THAT will be so wonderful.

Ok...back to it. I really just want it all to go away. LOL


Sum of your life

I found this great article at Salon Sum of your life

So, all my faithful readers.....take a the comments sum up YOUR life in 6 words or less!!

My two favorites from the article are:

Lynn Marie -- 11:53 am Pacific Time -- Feb 26, 2008 -- #2 of 65

Failure was apparently an option here.

(that made me laugh out loud!!)

jilz - 04:03 pm Pacific Time -- Feb 27, 2008 -- #46 of 65

Found my path. Walked it fearlessly.

This one is what I would really like to write about myself!!

The first one that comes to my mind (but likely due to the crazy week I just endured)

Crazy, Hell of a Ride. STOP!

(The link thing..yeah, duh, easiest thing in the world to do on this site, finally!!!)