I had a nice visit with the kids yesterday and now today I won't see them much. I am sitting here, wishing that I was "home" at my apartment. I however must go see my mother and have Easter Dinner with her (which will be nice) yet, I really simply have a desire to be home. I will be leaving from my mother's place as soon as it is socially acceptable (and hopefully before the snow begins). Then a 2 hour drive and I will be home. It is strange that I feel so strongly about this. It almost feels like panic. Knowing that I still have homework to do might contribute to that.
I also have some lingering thoughts and feelings about my encounter with my new friend. What might this new person in my life be here to teach me and how painful might it actually turn out to be? HA, that is funny, I am already anticipating it to be painful. I think that is a stretch, certainly nothing that he will do will hurt me or cause me pain, it is simply my own reaction to the situation that might cause me some pain. Those thoughts are sitting heavily with me this morning.
I read a piece by Mark Nepo this morning that touched my heart and reminded me of something that I so often forget.......
It is true; there is such sadness in the world. But there is a difference between feeling the pain of things breaking, ending, or drifting apart, and the sharper pain that comes from measuring the inevitable events of life against some ideal of how we imagine things are supposed to be. In receiving hardships this way, life is always a falling off. Life is hard enough without viewing all our pain as evidence of some basic insufficiency we must endure.
There is a beautiful Tibetan myth that helps us to accept our sadness as a threshold to all that is life-changing and lasting. This myth affirms that all spiritual warriors have a broken heart. - Alas, must have a broken heart - because it is only through the break that the wonder and mysteries of life can enter us.
So what does it mean to be a spiritual warrior? it is far from being a soldier, but more the sincerity with which a soul faces itself in a daily way. It is the courage to be authentic that keeps us strong enough to withstand the heartbreak through which enlightenment can occur. And it is by honoring how life comes through us that we get the most out of living, not by keeping ourselves out of the way. The goal is to mix our hands in the earth, not to stay clean.
I am going to get ready for the day and then do some of my homework before I head over to my mother's. With any luck at all, I will be home by 5 or 6pm tonight.
Much love and peace to all of you.