Married!

I never thought that I would be married again. I thought I was just happy living my life and then......BOOM......I find the perfect man for me and POOF.......we elope to Vegas and get married (we were together for 2.5 years before we went to Vegas, so it wasn't that spontaneous!) I am very happy......and even better.......HE is very happy.......Amazing how good that feels to know that someone loves you so much that marrying you makes them so happy......I feel very loved!

Time to vent

Wow. Wow. Holy Mother of God. Today was likely one of the worst days of my life. I hate feeling out of control and that was the entire day. I ran the entire day from one fire to the next and then had to fire someone. As I sit here, trying to bring myself back to center, I read an email that one of the most beautiful ladies I have ever had the privilege to know, died. Nothing that is happening in my life could compare to the suffering she endured as she fought cancer for the last 3 years. She was truly one of the most incredible, giving, loving person to have walked on this earth. So although I came here to try to release some of my negative energy, all I can think of is how selfish I am. I think that I need to stop writing and just be for a bit. Such a lonely feeling.

Update

Well, I am officially employed permanently. It is not a typical situation. I was hired contingently to help prepare this homecare and hospice agency to get ready for Joint Commission. Subsequently they decided that they wanted to keep me, and thus proceeded the struggle between the homecare side and the hospice side, as they both wanted me. I finally made my decision to oversee the palliative care program (which I will develop), once that decision was made they realized that it would be a month or two before they could really get a palliative care program started up, thus they asked me to be the interim DON of hospice (the other position) for 2 months to get them into shape until they are ready for me to start the palliative care service. It is a long drive (45 minutes) however, that doesn't bother me. It is nice to know that I will have a decent income for the next few years while I finish my dissertation. I also realize that working full time will take more focus to get my dissertation completed. But to be able to pay my bills and LIVE without the struggles that having no money brings, will be such a relief. It will also set me up to have my credit fixed by the time I graduate. They are long days (12 hours including drive time) and I have no idea how I will get everything done that gets done during the week, or anything else for that matter, the weekends will be spent writing. So, going from course work to dissertation may be more intense than coursework has been the last three years, but at least I won't have the money issues. I can do it, and I am thankful for the opportunity!

I should expect it!

I should expect it, this "let down" feeling after sweating blood over course work and now it is nearly finished (one paper and 2 classes to show up for on Monday). It seems to me that I should feel ecstasy and all I am is totally grumpy. I think that maybe part of it is the proposal for my dissertation won't have any feedback on it for about 10 days, and I just wanted to know NOW that it was a great piece of work. The other part is, the apartment is a disaster zone (although Dave has tried so hard to keep it basically clean) but there are just things that I do, that he doesn't notice or even know to do. There seems to be no break yet. I didn't get my season tickets for the football season (no money), My car lease was due last Wednesday, so I look out of the window every moment to be sure it isn't being hauled off. I need to call and ask for a month extension. The job is great, except it is going to take me at least a month to get everything caught up. This degree has ruined my credit, so I will have to beg my bank to loan me the money for the buy out on my car. I owe money to people, I need to get my tickets and room for Chrystal's wedding, I need to get a dress for her wedding, I need to HELP her with her wedding..............on and on I could go. I guess it is just everything that I couldn't let myself be too concerned about during the term, that is still there now that the term is nearly over. I hope to goodness that I get a full time job at this place. The VP is taking me to dinner to discuss it next week. Although, I worked for 9 hours yesterday and basically spoke to no one. I am not sure that my fellow employees like me all that much, but then again, I am writing an infection control plan (I wrote nearly 20 policies yesterday) so I am not running around being social. I just hear everyone talking and laughing and think, will I fit in? I need to remember I am really super grumpy right now! I think I just needed to say all of that. So if you read it. I am so sorry!!!! Today, I won't go to the Spring game, I will try to get this place in shape, call Toyota, pay some bills and go to the laundromat. I also will go to the bead shop to get a cabochon for the necklace that I am making for Chrystal's wedding (yes, I am making her jewelry). That will be a fun thing today! Dave and I had a melt down last night, so hopefully there is no tension today (he is off work today). Guess I better get to it!

2 Weeks!

2 More weeks, I think I can make it! It is tough at the end of the term with so much to do for school and as much time as possible is needed at work. Plus, after one paycheck, things still are not back on track financially. Which I expected, yet still brings stress to the situation as well. So for now, it is nose to the grindstone 24/7 for the next 2 weeks, at which time I will get my second paycheck, school will be finished and my bills for March and April should be paid. Although, how ever in the world will I get a loan for my car that the lease is due on April 14th, I really have no clue, this degree has ruined my credit! I am hoping that the job will explain to my bank that I had extenuating circumstances and now I have a job and get on my knees and beg them to take a chance on me. If I don't have a car, I don't have a job.

Ok well. That might be enough doom and gloom for one day, plus I need to get ready and get to work. You all know that it will all work out, I really have no doubt, It is the living through it that I am dreading!

Weekend to remember

Chrystal arrived on Friday. We had so much fun. Saturday we spent hours trying on wedding dresses and found the perfect one! She looked beautiful and it is ordered. Spending time with her is such a joy. She just left and my heart is so sad. I don't quite understand why that is. Obviously I know that she is my daughter and I love her, however there almost feels like an empty place in my heart now that she is gone. I think part of it is that I am amazed at what a incredible person she has grown in to and we have such a beautiful relationship. Even if I lived back home, I wouldn't see her very much, so it isn't so much that I live farther away. It isn't that I don't love my life here (I really do). So I don't quite logically understand the sadness that I feel. I just know that I feel it and likely it is a good thing. There are things that I should focus on at this point and I just want to curl up and cry. That doesn't sound productive in any way, so I thought writing out my feelings might help get me back on track. Thank goodness that I have Dave, I can't even imagine if I was here alone after Chrystal left. I am grateful, truly.

Now, I need to write for school, I need to make this proposal a work of art!

Busy, as in, beyond busy!

Sorry for not keeping you up to date. There are 3 weeks until the end of the term and with 2 jobs, I am busting it! Dissertation proposal is taking up way too much of my time, however it is necessary. Fortunately my second job I was able to get the project to a point that I can put it on hold until the end of the term. My "real" job (which I love) has a joint commission visit coming probably on the 12th, which happens to be the last week of classes, in which I have 2 presentations and my proposal due. Blah blah, i could go on, but there is no point. I am just VERY busy and I will catch you all up soon with a great update of how I am so very excited to be FINISHED with the course work that is required to obtain my PhD! :)

Gotta love it!

Most PhD students who are at the end of their course work, have their research design, measurement tools, analysis plan, etc already figured out. I have bounced around for 3 years, partly due to the fact that my area of research is basically not anything that any professor is doing at this university. There are professors that are doing little bits of what I am doing, but nobody is really looking at what I am looking at. Plus, I had the worst advisor ever and chose to simply ignore it until this last term, when I realized that it was doing me more of a disservice. So I am playing catch up, as in.....HURRY UP, catch up. My advisor is the dean of the graduate studies at the School of nursing and, well, pretty damn incredible and he realizes that I don't have funding for this dissertation, so it really means that I need to get through this as quickly as I possibly can.

All of that to say......I found LOTS of great stuff today that should help move this all along much smoother. So much to do, I so have to focus and do this. How wonderful would it be to really be able to do this like I really want to do it? To really contribute NEW knowledge to how we care for the dying in our country? Damn, it would be very cool.

Ok....back to reading.....Just had to write this all down!! :)

Starting a new week!

I am sitting here in my robe with my hair wet and I need to catch the bus in 50 minutes. This will be quick. (that is what she said....HA HAHAHAHA, gotta love the office). I can't believe that the term is nearly over! Holy cow! There is tons to accomplish still and I really am just going day by day. This weekend was light on homework compared to what I will face over the next few weeks. Although much of my "class" reading will be gone, so that will help. I seriously am looking to make it through in tact. i think that I can. Having a job will help. I don't see my first pay check until April 2nd, so I still have to take the bus and other unfortunate things that come with not having any money. Although taking the bus at least gets me some major walking time in. I really don't have a lot to say, I just needed to write a little this morning. At some point here, there are some real issues that I need to address and journal about.......until then, I think I will just be putting up short little diddies........hoping if you are reading this that you are having a wonderful life and enjoying all your moments.......Peace!

As predicted!

So, I am working, actually LONG hours and finishing the school term (my last of official course work) AND......I am getting MORE done than I was before. I am always more productive when I have more on my plate. I am pleased with this! I am trying to NOT think of how close I am to finishing this term! I am really excited, after three years of course work, to know that this is the last of it, is amazing and makes the light at the end of the tunnel that much brighter! The end of course work means that I will have completed ALL of the classes (with the exception of one) that I need to meet the requirements for my PhD degree. The "one" is a data analysis class that I will take according to the type of analysis that I will be doing for my dissertation. Each term that I am doing my dissertation I am allowed one free class, so I probably will be taking one a term for the next year or so, but not 3-4 classes a term! Just thought I should explain that a bit, so when I talk about any classes coming up, you will understand!

Ok, time to get off here and get reading!

Juggle

Certainly we knew that starting a job before the term was over would mean a juggling gig for me and that is exactly what I am getting! The danger here is that I KNOW what I am doing at my job, it feels like going home in a way, at school, every day I am confronted with things that I don't know, so we know which is most comfortable for me at this point (the job). I can't be too comfortable though, I must press through and finish this term proudly! I can't tell you though, just how happy I will be to be finished attending classes and sitting through hours of discussion and lectures that half the time I could care less about. (at least it is only half the time, it could be worse!) I just need to put the time in and get it done! By the end of this term I should at least have the outline of my dissertation proposal and the introduction written. Not a bad way to go into preliminary exams. I could easily have my proposal for my dissertation written and defended by the end of the year with my dissertation defended within one year of that. Unless I have to do data collection, then it may take me a little longer, but I hope to be able to do secondary analysis! (meaning that there should be a data base out there that is already collected that would have the variables that I need and I can do analysis on that.

I reminded a friend yesterday who is in the program with me, "if getting a PhD was easy, everyone would have one".......so true.....non of this is suppose to be easy and it will be all worth it in the end! :)

How Lame.....

I am feeling pretty lame today. I had 4 days to accomplish a few things and I wasted much of that time. Yes I did get some things done, but there remains much to do. I probably shouldn't be so hard on myself, afterall, I will be paying for it over the next 6 weeks. Today I do hope to at least finish the paper that is due on Friday and prepare my readings for the week. I also need to run to the store, which I really don't want to do, but it would be better than Dave going when he gets out of work. We are on a limited budget until Friday and he usually finds deals that are too good to pass up and buys more than he should (which is a very good thing) but when it comes to we ONLY need these few things, it is better for me to go to the store! I have been doing to jewelry making and made a new necklace for my new job, however it needs just a bit of work, so I wanted to get that done today as well. Well, here I go again, putting my to do list on my blog. Meh.

After this first week on the job, I should have an idea of what my life will really be like for the next 6 weeks. I have an idea, but until I actually experience it, I really won't be able to plan my time. That may be why I haven't been able to focus on getting other things done. Or that could simply be an easy excuse so that I don't have to say that I am lazy! :)

JOB!!!!

It is written in stone (at least for the next 2 months), Catie has a job!!!!! I am beyond excited! I was very impressed with the place, the VP and quality manager's were super cool. I am contingent just to get them ready for a Joint Commission Survey. However! The VP is a HUGE palliative care buff and was ultra excited about my CV and research and really wants to start a palliative care program at this agency, thus, really wants to KEEP me.....he he. Ohhhhh, the thought of seeing people outside of school thrills me. The thought of having a desk again and working....ahhhhhh......more importantly the thought of having a regular paycheck.......you can't imagine until you have lived for 3 years on almost nothing! I am going to be beyond busy for the next 6 weeks, but I can handle it! I start next Tuesday! That gives me from now until then to get a few things off my plate (school wise) but first.....I think I need to go through my closet and be sure that I have clothes to wear! After 3 years of jeans and Michigan hoodies, I actually get to wear grown up clothes! Oh the joy!

Early to rise

My plan was to sleep in a bit and skip class so I can prepare for my meeting with the CEO and VP at what will be my new job. My legs didn't cooperate with that idea. I do have many things to get done today, so it is probably a blessing in disguise. I can work on a number of things that I didn't get finished yesterday when my brains were scrambled and then, as I had planned, have a little extra time to prepare for my "job" meeting. Mapquest suggest that it takes 45 minutes to drive there. Since it includes two major highways that service the Detroit area and are known for heavy traffic, I think I will plan extra time to be sure that I can locate where I am to get myself to. This of course means that I will likely arrive early, thus, I will bring lots of reading material with me! I have never had to drive 45 miles to work before, so this should prove to be interesting. Living in a Metro area it is very common to drive these lengths to get to work. Dave only has to drive a mile to get to work, THAT is what I am used to! At least it is only part time and only for a couple of months. Hopefully after that I will be able to find something more long term that is closer to Ann Arbor.

I won't breathe easy until I have some signed contract in my hand and all is said and done that I truly have this job. But when that happens, I will be so relieved to have some income coming in that will allow me to pay my bills on time for the next couple of months. The stress that it will relieve is going to be monumental!

Scrambled Brains

Ok, so tomorrow I drive to Oak Park to get this new temporary job thing set. It is a homecare and hospice that needs assistance with getting ready for Joint Commission. It is only for a couple of months and the drive is a 45 minute drive (if the traffic isn't bad) BUT, it brings in money NOW and gets me past course work, which seems to be an issue with anyone wanting to hire me for a full time gig at the moment. It will look great on my CV, however my time is going to be sucked dry between the job and school. I am actually more productive when I am busy, so it may be a good thing.

Today I am all over the place, like a pig running around the barnyard. I can't get my mind to stay on one thing. I started working on a paper that is due on the 19th. I know what to say, I just can't seem to get it organized in my head to put it on paper. I did complete a form that is due in class on Thursday that outlines my research proposal. Although, I have no idea if it really is going to be my research or not. I still need to complete a work project for the Dean (which is a huge pain in the ass, but needs to be done) and I have tons of reading to do. I also should re-read a paper I wrote that is due on Thursday to be sure that my grammar and such is correct. So as I fumble around all of these tasks, I keep getting out my beading project and I can't even get anywhere with that, I keep undoing everything that I add to the focal piece (a cabochon that I beaded around and it looks wonderful!) However all of the other techniques that i need to do to complete the piece, I am not proficient at........soooooo........ack.....I am lost.

Maybe I should just lay on the sofa and watch TV.....God knows I won't be doing that for the next 2 months! The good news though, I should be able to buy my car when the lease is up next month (now that I have a job (albeit temporary) AND, I will be able to pay my bills on time.......that will be a huge relief.

So that is my story today, my brains are scrambled and I am at a loss on how to unscramble them. TV, here I come!

Let the games begin!

The good news is, I don't feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat! Yesterday that wasn't the case! The bad news is, it is 5:30 am and I am awake to start the day. Monday's are my long day. I have a class at 8:30am and another at 3pm. Typically I take the bus in and go someplace to study in between the classes. Today, I may drive in for the morning class, return home to gather the laundry and go to the laundromat, then drive in for my 3pm class. Parking won't be outrageous if I do that, I can avoid the bus this one time, I won't have to pack a lunch, AND I will have clean underwear for tomorrow! Seems like a good plan now, but then it is early enough that my brain could be still waking up! :)

I started a new Cabochon last night. I want to practice beading around a few before I start on Chrystal's wedding jewelry. I have done it before, however, I really want her wedding jewelry to be perfect. The first piece I made was a barrette, which is filled with mistakes and will probably be torn apart. The new one that I am working on is MUCH improved and will probably turn into a necklace for myself! :) If I can't make beads, at least I can be creative and make beautiful things with beads! Although after visiting Mari and making beads, I know that in my heart that I am a glass artist and will at some future date have a studio again where I can make them!

As I stated at the beginning, my crying, or deep feeling of sadness seems to have dissipated, however I still feel this odd sense, almost like somehow I am in the wrong place at the wrong time. I know that getting my degree was not the wrong decision for me and finishing it is most certainly the correct decision for me. It may be possible that I am simply feeling the uneasiness of finishing this term and all that remains to be accomplished before the end of the term. That seems to make the most sense, especially since this is my last term of course work.

Ok, enough blabbing on, I need to get this day started!

Ok, that didn't work!

I just keep crying! ACK! I think that I didn't realize how much I miss my kids. So I am really grateful that I was able to see Chrystal and spend good quality time with her.

I am working on these papers and I am nearly finished with one of them. So I am being productive too. I had called Chrystal to "make sure that she made it home safely" I got her voice mail and as soon as I heard her voice it made me cry, so I left a short message (tearful) and had to hang up before I started blubbering away. She returned my call which of course made me cry. She said she was feeling the same things I was and was real sad last night. How lucky am I to have children who love me like that and that I love so fully. It really is a good thing!

Ok, so now I should get back to this paper and finish it up!

Missing

My heart is so sad! I didn't expect to feel so sad after visiting with my daughter! I would think that I would feel energized and happy after having such a wonderful visit. Be full of gratitude that I had such a wonderful chance to visit with her. (All of which I do) but I also feel such an empty place in my heart, like a big hole!!

Today I have to get 2 papers written and a bunch of reading done. The rest of the week will be playing catch up on everything else I didn't do over spring break!

So much more to say here, I think I will cry if I write it and I don't have time to cry right now.......(very backwards way to think, as it would probably take less time to just write it out, be with it, cry and move on....... I think it is an excuse to not be with it and feel it (just being honest here).

Chrystal Coming to visit her momma today!

It is the end of my spring break. I haven't gotten enough done, but I will get some done today and on Sunday though. Chrystal (my one and only daughter and eldest of my 3 children) is coming to visit me today and tomorrow. It will be a "girlie" time as we are planning her wedding. She is getting married in July (in Vegas) which makes the planning a little easier and a little more difficult. This weekend though we are looking at paper for her invitations and beads and designs for her jewelry (which I am making for her). I am really excited to spend time with her. We have always been close and I miss seeing her daily since my move to Ann Arbor 3 years ago. I don't regret moving, it was time to let the birdies out of the nest, only the birdies wouldn't leave the nest (ha ha) so momma birdie is the one that left. I think in some ways it was good for them, in other ways, it may have had some negative affects on them. We always hope that we did a perfect job as a parent. I am sure that I made mistakes, after all, I am human! I just hope that whatever mistakes that I made they are able to overcome them and forgive me. The defining moment in a persons life often happens when they are very small, even a preverbal stage, sometimes it is difficult to identify what that defining moment may have been. I wonder sometimes as I look at my now adult children, what their defining moment was. Three children who are all completely different, all very special in their own way and loved unconditionally by me, and I wonder if there was something that I did that created that defining moment for them. Chrystal is so much like me and we can talk about anything and everything. I am looking forward to that today, but until she arrives, I need to get some homework done! (That may at least help me pass the time as I wait for her to arrive!!)

I have so much to say, so much to journal here, it will have to wait a bit longer though!

I'm back!

It has been quite some time since I posted here! School has kept me busy, I will be finished with my course work at the end of April! Yay me! I then have preliminary exams (written and oral) which I should have completed by the end of the year and then, just my dissertation! (oh is that all???) Trust me after 3 years of course work, I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Anyway, I have been keeping up with my facebook, however it doesn't allow me to "journal" as I have done here in the past. So I am reviving this blog for that opportunity to share my thoughts. I doubt any of my followers still check this out, thus, I may have a private little spot to write down my thoughts and on the off chance anyone else reads this, that is cool too!