Friday, February 29, 2008

The walk

Holy cow, 2 hours, actually nearly 2.5 hours! Ernest came and we walked through the snow for hours and talked. It was so wonderful. It was an incredible work out for my legs. We got to a park and walked through tons of snow there too. It was superb!! And of course, talking to a real live person is really good for my soul. Especially someone like Ernest. He has the most beautiful soul. All the beautiful souls are always married! LOL. Really, he is like Jim, they are both like brothers to me, I could never be romantic with either of them.

I am going to feel it tomorrow! Tomorrow is suppose to be a run day. I think I might make Sunday my run day and tomorrow my day off, to give my legs a little break. Particularly since my brother called today and he and his wife are bringing my mother to visit me tomorrow. I did not have the heart to tell them I had too much homework to do still. Since my brother is like......what is really important?? So....I may be up late tonight doing homework. I did whip around the apartment and organized the PILES of papers and shit laying around for my school work. There are still piles, but at least they are organized piles. I am not going to clean, they will just have to accept that fact.

I think I need to decide WHAT MUST get accomplished by Monday, and what I can leave to pick up next week. I don't think that I am going to get it all done. But.....that is a sinking feeling cause next week, I have THAT homework to do too. It is too much and when I am trying to teach it to myself, well, that makes it that much more difficult. So. Tomorrow I meet with the tutor in the morning and by the time I am finished with him, my family will be here. Then I have tomorrow night and Sunday. I will have until about 1pm on Monday, then........the shit hits the fan. So, as much as I can have done, all the better...........I am already wishing this semester was over with. Thankfully, there are basically no papers to write this term......which makes it easier.

Ok.....time to find something good to eat and get crackin. Peace.


Ok, a little panic is still there. I can not believe that I only have 3 days left. SHIT! The SPSS class that I have, I was able to complete all of the calculations this morning (4 weeks worth!!!!!) I however am not finished. I still have to write up all of the results for said calculations. Oh the joy. PLUS I forgot about the take home midterm for this class. I have LOTS of work to do for this, however I SHOULD be able to accomplish it all today. I also will set up my plan for studying for the Philosophy mid term so that I can study for that from now up until Monday when I take it. Of course tomorrow is the tutor and finishing up the work for that class. All in all. I THINK I might pull this off.

You know. Everyone says, "don't worry about grades, etc" I am typically an honor student, Every degree I have, I graduated with honors, usually magna cum laude. So that is a little difficult for me to accept less than an "A" or a 4.0, however Michigan Graduate programs grades very strange and I still don't know how it works, cept that I know I am not getting an "A", more like a "B" or somewhere in-between the two. And, I can live with that. HERE is the kicker. For graduate school, there is no such thing as a "C". "C" equals FAILED. uh huh. I MUST get a "B" or higher or the class does not count. In undergraduate.....the "C" was the bottom line, well now the bar has been raised. As an undergraduate I didn't have to worry about it.....i got all "A"s, now for some reason, I am worried about if I can even pull a "B". LOL. The thing is, I have NO grades in ANY of my classes at this point and it is mid term. So I have NO clue how I am doing. Nice.

Ok, so I think that I am going to do the mid-term cause it will help me do the write up's on the calculations. If I can put this class work to bed today, I will feel GREAT relief.

Ernest and I are suppose to go for a walk today when he gets out of work. It is snowing pretty good, I hope that we still go. I don't mind walking in the snow and I could use a walk, and a conversation.

Ok.....hopefully I have enough time to clean up the apartment and organize myself before Monday too! It would have been so nice to have had a Spring Break that I didn't have to be so overloaded.......oh well......there is nothing to do about it is what it is. I am smiling and grateful that I had this time!


Thursday, February 28, 2008

Whatever day......

I am moving on to another class (finally) I found a tutor and he is meeting with me on Saturday morning. So I am going to switch gears and move on to another class. I also need to get my philosophy class in the mix. I have a midterm on Monday to take I have not even cracked open that stuff. I should be doing a little of that every day.

Anyway. I found a tutor. It did take some begging...but not much. I can't even tell you how many calls that I made to find him........enough to have gotten other homework done, that is for sure. Anyway.

That water is off in my apartment building for some repair work that they are doing. I got up early to take my shower. I am going for a run in a bit. (I can't wait!)

I also will be traveling to San Francisco at the end of June for a graduate retreat from the training I did last year. I am excited about it and I am of course going to get it funded.

Ireland is out though. There is no way that I can make that happen right now.

The panic is starting to fade.......hopefully it doesn't return after I get into this other homework.

Ok.....Time to get to it. I have a nice hot cup of tea and I am going to tackle the next class. Peace.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Lost Count

I lost count on what day it is.......too few left is all I really know. The tutor situation is grim. I have to keep plugging away. The rocket scientist guy was awesome and took what had to be his only down time of the day to work on explaining the answer to my problem to me, so I am working on that right now, then moving much to little time........

I can tell you one thing...........I found my battle cry in all of this............yes indeed. The fight in me exists and I will do everything in my power to climb this fucking mountain. HOOORRAHHHH!

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

My First Run!

This is a photo of the Huron River that I took after my run this morning (with my phone, so not so great of quality) The run was incredible. I ran along the river, it was snowing and wet and cold, but it was so wonderful. I can see that I am going to become addicted to this. It was not as difficult as I anticipated it being. Hopefully in 8 weeks I will be running 3 miles a day! Yeah Me!

Get ready to laugh

Ok, you have all been putting up with my drama (I so hate drama) and now it is time to have a really good laugh.

My favorite football blog M zone (link here Had these two music videos up today.

These two music videos are probably the funniest things I have seen in a long time. So, I hope that you enjoy them!!

The Calvary

Just when I think I am totally alone........The calvary arrives. Little came over after work and we looked at some of the problems and discussed a few things, then went to the People's Co op so we could get some bulk tea and other good stuff to eat. Just being with someone that I know cares about me, felt so good.

Yesterday I put up on the Michigan Football blog that I frequent a little help wanted comment and I had 2 wonderful guys respond who are looking at one of the problems for me.

New Scott called me (after a plea to him, he is an engineer, and I am stuck mostly on math problems that engineers know!!) He spent time with me on the phone and then when he got off the phone, he sent me all sorts of web addresses that might help me and then found a PhD Math student who tutors and got his number for me.

My friend Roy emailed me this beautiful email that I woke up to this morning.......

It is like the calvary came and propped me up and are cheering me, I am alone.......but.......I am NOT alone......I have the most wonderful friends. I am extremely lucky.

Now.......the battle continues......coz.......I am going to get all of this shit done..........and I can not wait to see the face of my professors, when they see my completed work that they NEVER thought I would be able to complete on my own (without their help, which they refused to give me) So, you see.......I am NOT no means......period.

Monday, February 25, 2008

I hate this fucking class

I am wasting so much time on this homework, optimization, forecasting, regression......etc some fucking math class only you are already suppose to know the "math" part and be able to do the rest.
News flash.......I hate math. (and most nurses do)

I choose to do the home work for this class first, thinking that I could get the worst out of the way. That maybe wasn't such a good idea, as it is so fucking frustrating. I had ONE person left to ask for help, he promised to call me this morning (truthfully, I didn't expect him to call, and, of course he has not yet, but there is 10 minutes left of the morning)

I am moving on from optimization to forecasting. My homework for optimization is complete, only I don't know how I got the right answer. And, really I need to know that.

Ok....back to it......

My Horoscope for today......

"Although you may be focused on your career these days, a deep nostalgia for the simpler days of your past can make you rather dissatisfied with your present situation. Your view of your current status isn't likely to be very objective now. Instead of trying to transform a challenging situation into something else, change your attitude, for things aren't as bad as they seem."

Well that is pretty damn fitting. Let's hope it is correct!! Another day to dig in! I got "almost" one entire assignment finished. For this class I have 2 more assignments that are just as labor intensive. Then, I have 3 more classes to catch up on as well. So you maybe can see WHY I am a little stressed. I am going with the horoscope today though, it isn't as bad as it seems.

RIght now......I need to wake up!


Sunday, February 24, 2008

No Defeat, No Surrender!

NEVER! ACK!! Poor Big and Little!! I called them today sobbing......I will spare you all the gory details here, but I was a basket case. They helped me get back on track!! I managed to get more done today than I have in the last 3 days, which isn't saying a lot, since I basically have just sat around and cried for 3 days. But, I am on a roll painful as it is.......I WILL NEVER SURRENDER! In order for me to complete this term. I will need to sit at this table and work my ass off for the next week. There will be only a few to go for a walk/run, or maybe eat (I might give that up too though, lol) I really have no other choice. I am finding out exactly what I am made of.......and it isn't MUSH, I can promise you that......

Think about it.

I have been divorced for almost 20 years. I had BABIES to raise and NO marketable skills.......I raised my babies, I ran the ranch, I put myself through school and became successful in my career, my babies started college, and I quit my successful career, sold my home and moved to Ann Arbor to start my doctoral degree..........THAT my friends is NOT MUSH....THAT is STEEL...bright shiny steel (that may have a little rust now that I have cried for so many days....but you get the point...LOL)


So there.


But, I do reserve the right to cry on occasion.

And...btw.....if anyone knows how to do optimization using linear programming, call me ASAP!!!!!!! I NEED HELP!!!

This is not going so well

It just isn't. I have not gotten done what I need to get done.

Ernest read my I Ching and I am hooked. It was deeply moving. No I did not latch onto his leg when he dropped me off....LOL. It was nice to sit in a coffee shop and drink tea with someone though. He has this incredibly clear soul, he is really just one of those people that you are just instantly comfortable with.

I went for a walk with the other "boy". The walk was superb. He is a nice guy, but I don't think that I am interested in him romantically. He is willing to walk with me though, so I am wondering about having a walking/running buddy. It would be nice, but I also don't want to lead someone on . Meh. Not sure what to do.

Not sure about a few things right now. Sorta sucks too. Gotta find those damn boot straps......Time to pull em up.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Cabin Fever

I am going nuts being alone in this apartment!!!!! ACK! Thankfully Ernest is picking me up in the morning to take me out for a cup of tea and a reading of my I Ching. I wonder if he will notice if I grab on to his leg and drag along as he leaves. Ok, so it is not that bad. But now that Jim has his new girlfriend, I am complete and total chopped liver, New Scott, well, I am fairly certain that he is avoiding me. I am not certain WHY he is doing that......but......all I can do is hope the best for his life and do what I can to be a good friend. I think at this point it means leaving him alone. I can say all of this here because neither Jim or New Scott come here to read my blog.....isn't that weird??? Like really, seriously, YOU guys all come here everyday to read my boring life, I can not imagine WHY they don't want to....ROFL!

Trying to get caught up on this homework, it simply sucks. And I am having a terrible time of getting my head into it.

I cried a LOT today. For many reasons. I hardly cry and it seems like I have been doing that too much lately. Certainly my brother's death weighs into all, but today seemed more unidentifiable. That could be repressed grief though. Often times when current grief is allowed time to be, it opens the door for other times that grief was repressed. So, I just let myself cry. What else is there to do? Stuff it down so it can come up at another time? Yeah. No thanks.

I am glad that Ernest is going to spend a little time with me. I think I need to be careful and not give the impression that I want to latch on to his leg, like he is my last local friend and if I lose him too, what the hell am I going to do? Do you realize how much energy it took for me to make these friends? Shit.

There is one more "boy" that has been hanging out there since this all began. So, I may go for a walk with him this weekend. We have had a difficult time actually connecting, but one of us always seems to make contact again, so maybe it is simply meant to be that we meet. So, even though I said I am done with the boys, I am making this one exception. There really are not any others left, so it is my last exception. That is, if we are able to connect this time.......we shall see. He does seem pretty cool though.

Well. I need to try to do ONE more assignment before bed. Then a good night sleep. I have one of those "I cried all day" headaches.......sinus pressure..... And PLEASE.....I am fine, it really is good to get that all out there, so no pity parties please!! Hugs are good though!


Day 10

Day 11 was not as productive as I would have liked it to be. I am going over to the Apple Store for my one on one training. when I bought my computers I purchased the one on one training and have only used it once. So I figure I should get my ass over there more. I have a touch iPod and I have a bunch of questions on how to get all of my mac products to sync together. Mostly they do, but some things don't. So.....I am doing that this morning.....then back to the books.

Tomorrow I am having tea with one of my "boy" friends. He is going to read my I Ching! I am excited for that. He is a cool dude, and of course this is strictly platonic with no option for it to be anything other than that which is better for me to have friends and not think about love right now (that switch had to go off!!).

Speaking of the touch iPod........I am so in love with this soon as my contract on my phone is up........18 months? I will be getting an is just WAY too good. I don't like AT&T, but maybe in 18 months they will have other carriers...if not........I will is way too cool.

Ok....gotta run.........latersssssssss

Big and about dinner sometime soon?? Cards and laughs.....sound good??

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Skip that last post.....

If you have not yet read the post Day 11.....I suggest you skip it. I would delete but......meh. At least you get a feel for my state of mind.

I am not feeling 100% today, I thought I was just having a difficult time waking up, but it seems to be something a bit more than that. My eyeballs hurt and I have diarrhea (TMI, sorry). So it has some symptoms of the flu (which I thought that I already had) Maybe it is just a headache. Meh. I will take some Advil and see if that helps with the eye balls and head thing. I get diarrhea fairly easily due to stress, so that could be isolated.

I am out of toilet paper though, so before I run out of Klennex too, I need to run to the store. These are the times that it would be really nice to NOT be alone......I think though it would take me a long time to adjust to being able to depend on someone. I am so used to taking care of myself, if someone was here, I would probably be putting on my shoes to head to the store without even considering asking them to go for me!

Ok, advil, lay down for about 30 minutes to give a chance to help........then to the store.......then back to the homework. (do you just envy my life? Holy cow, this is so fucking exciting!!) rofl. Peace out.

Day 11

Counting down, I am on day 11, which simply means I have 11 days to finish getting caught up on course work. I of course began with 12 days.

On the docket for today and tomorrow is all of the work/readings for my quality management class. Since I ran my own agency and did my own quality improvement for 5 years, this class is fairly easy for me. This of course makes the readings super boring. One thing I did learn the first term though was that they don't want answers from my experience, they want them from the readings. PLUS, the other kicker to this course is that it does a lot of data management in Excel,which is fine however they keep adding things on (software pieces) that don't work on my Mac.......and they don't care....LOL. The other kick in the ass for me on this class, is that one of the books cost $180 and came with a CD to use (limited usage of 120 days) I found this book online, being sure to request a useable CD. It arrived, the CD was securely in the book, unopened, which is exactly how I left it. Now, weeks later, when I need it.......I take it out and the disc is BADLY damaged. I have no idea where I purchased it (I bought too many books from different places) Now, I COULD go buy another one for $180, here is why I don't 1) I am not fucking stupid, 2) it won't load on a mac, so why bother?? Another gal in my class has a mac, so she loads the CD on her boyfriends PC put the said file on a stick and puts it on her mac and it works. So, she sends me the files. This week though, there is one that won't transfer.......all of that to say.......Day 11 and 10 I am trying to get all of the work finished for this class. I may need day 9 as well. But....I am trying for 2 days. This class has the most amount of work in it.

No comment on the boys.......cept that I am leaving them alone. Period.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Stuck to it

I stuck to it and did what I was scheduling myself to do today. Although I did not make it to the store, however that will be a little break from homework at some point.

The date, yeah, I should have trusted my instinct. I need to leave the boys alone. It is a long story, and one that I don't care to share here.......(nothing bad, just.....) Anyway....I am now, officially leaving the boys alone. That buddhist nun idea sounds better every single day.

11 more days to stick to the plan..........and I am going back to the gym. I had to do some walking today on my errands and it felt so good. I really want to get back to it.

Ok.....feeling just a bit......sad maybe.....I keep reminding myself that I still have some grief emotions, I expect to have them rise to the top on occasion.

Much peace.

On a Mission

Ok, so my profs are being somewhat accepting of my plan. I have 12 days to complete it. I CAN do it too!! :o)

Today is devoted to writing the abstract that is due for the conference on Ethics at Yale University this summer. It is due on the 23rd. My advisor needs to approve it prior to that, so I MUST complete it today. (shouldn't be that difficult, but I seem to make things more difficult just for the hell of it).

I do have another date tonight. Another, "I am not feeling it" doesn't hurt to is a good day to have a tiny bit of fun tossed into the mix. We are going to dinner and a movie.

I am thinking that I should do some domestic/personal things today as well.....get them out of the way. The abstract is not going to take me all day. (although at the rate I am going it could....LOL) Actually, I could take the next hour, crank that out and then head to pick up prescriptions, pay bills and do to the "date" is picking me up at 5:30, so......that actually is a damn good plan. Then tomorrow, I can simply dig into my homework plan. See how beneficial it is for me to come here and tell you all my to do list! HA!

Alrighty abstract coming up..........(ohhh, and a shower....damn, an't forget that...LOL)


Tuesday, February 19, 2008


Nurses eat their young........this is not going well. My profs were nice in email, not so much in person. Wondering if I should "give up". Yeah. Well. Little do they know that I don't give up so fucking easy.

Going to the gym is nearly out of the question. I have NO time for it. That is driving me nuts. Maybe after next week.....I will get on top of all of this (thank God for Spring Break) Then, work the gym back into my schedule.

I found a some new music to add to my iPod.......the sound track from Across the Universe This is some good stuff!

I do have to purchase some rather expensive software in order to catch up....but, it will be well worth it, and I will get lots of use out of it outside of class as well.

Ok...back to it.......just thought I would update you. Aside from the stress, some grief work in regards to my brother.......I am doing really well!! I will be even better once I get back to the gym!

And I AM leaving the boys alone, at least for the time being, unless of course someone comes onto the scene that I simply can't resist and that is unlikely to happen when my head is buried in my books!!

Peace out!!

Monday, February 18, 2008

Saving Grace

My saving Grace may just be that next week is Spring Break. Yeah baby! I have meetings with all of my profs set up, I have printed a shit load of stuff that I need to do, I am trying to organize it all, and make SOME sense out of it before I meet with them.

It is going to take great concentration and lots of work.........but...........I CAN do it!! Yeah me!

Of course Jim says........."time to leave the boys alone for awhile" think? No problem there aren't any boys left that I am interested in, so that should be easy to do. LOL

Ok, back to work!!! (or that damn whip......hmmmm.....)

Do or Die

It is do or die this week folks. I MUST get my head FULLY back into school. If I don't, I may as well give up the fight....and I really don't want to do that. I pull up my boot straps and work harder than I have EVER worked in my life.


Sunday, February 17, 2008


It is time to get serious about homework. I do have that lunch date (and I should cancel, but I think that would be rude) So I am going to do that, and until then, start at least figuring out WHAT I need to do to get caught up and start doing it. After lunch I will then totally focus in.

If I thought that this was something that I did not want to do any longer (get my PhD) (and trust me, the thought has crossed my mind) then I would simply quit. However, I KNOW that this is what I want to do, so now I really need to get up to speed.

Simply recognizing that I have grief emotions, had already made it a bit better. I am certain that there are days that I will feel it more, but at least I am able to identify what they are.

I am afraid that I can't get on top of the homework. I just have to do it.

Oh, and my new friend that I had tea with yesterday. Well. He is one of those very special people that you meet. I could see into his soul and he is clear and genuine and just one of those special people. The Universe is sending some really good people my way, that is comforting. New Scott and Jim are very special people too, so now I have 3 new friends that are truly special souls. I feel like this blessed soul to have all of YOU, plus these friends that live here near me. Such a richness.

OK, no procrastinating today........HOMEWORK!

Saturday, February 16, 2008


Here I am ....all week long with these "thoughts" of aloneness, lonely......should I be a buddhist nun........etc.

People.....exactly what happens when someone close to you dies??????

Uh. Yeah. Something called grief. Maybe. Dork!!!

That might just have SOMETHING to do with my emotions no????


And I do this for a living..........LOL. (not be an idiot, but support people in grief after death. ROFL) just too funny.

So, no more thoughts of Buddhist nunnery until I have worked through some of the grief. ;o)


Wakey wakey....

Good Morning Sunshine! Another day has come, how special is that? (poke, smile)

I did clean the apartment last night ( I was not sure I would actually accomplish that feat) I did however leave my office alone, I may try to tackle that today. Coz. Yeah. It needs it.

I need to make a grocery run and clean out my car. It needs to be washed and vacuumed something terrible, but I believe that will need to wait.

I decided I was making zucchini lasagna for the potluck. Unless I change my mind again before I go to the store.

I have a NEW platonic friend (yes indeed, this girl knows how to draw in those men who are emotionally unavailable!!) He is a sweet guy and truly is not available for anything other than a friendship. He is coming over for tea this afternoon. I tried to convince him that he should come over for tea AND a long brisk walk, he didn't bite on that one.

So, you see, As I was saying before, these are the types of men that I am finding. No one WANTS me, they simply want my friendship. I certainly can not complain about that.

I have discussed here my internal "love" switch. Allow me to elaborate a bit more on that.

My heart is just too big and I have so much love to give. I have this internal switch that I typically keep in the OFF position. This means that I don't feel this strong desire to GIVE all of my heart away. When it is ON, then I feel this need to give all of that to someone. I am certain most of you know what I am talking about. That desire to give love, to love someone unconditionally, deeply, truly share your entire being with them. That is the most beautiful gift. When you are not able to share that with someone, there is an empty spot there. So it seems that I have this switch that sort of hides that, puts those desires away and allows me to live my life happily just as it is. Of course sharing part of my heart with my friends is wonderful. Not just anyone can turn on that switch, so when it gets turned on, it is almost a shock to my system. So that is what I have had lots of thoughts about this week. Just locating the switch and getting it turned off again.

I of course am wondering about the future, and the possibility that I will be alone.......that panic sits there for me......the key word here is FUTURE........if I am going to spend moments NOW, panicking about the future.....then I am spoiling my moments now...........and THAT I will not have. So......who knows what tomorrow will bring..........I have today and I have some really wonderful friends and that makes me feel really loved and cared for in THIS moment.

PS.....I have a date tomorrow........:o) A new guy.....who IS emotionally available........soooo.....we shall see.......he is nice.....not sure that he is my shall see.

Friday, February 15, 2008


It took exactly 7 months for me to feel like a total stranger in the city that I was born and raised in. Maybe not a total stranger, nevertheless certainly out of place, or that I simply don't belong. It is good to be back in Ann Arbor. Really good.

I was hoping to not feel so alone tonight, to maybe enjoy just being here......but it is a bit lonely.

I am cleaning the is VERY dirty and small piles of unorganized messes here and there. For my mental health I need to bring some order and cleanliness to the situation. Beginning tomorrow I will start the process of digging out for school work.

I do have the Veggie potluck tomorrow, which is going to take up some time....but that is my treat to myself after this will be time to get serious about school and hope to GOD that I can get my head back into it.

For someone was here helping me do it...LOL.

Oh yeah....NO gym for weeks now......I will be taking a long walk tomorrow.

Ok....back to the cleaning.......


Happy Funeral Day

Odd title, but I like it. Today is the day that I get to begin to put Spencer's death behind me. Certainly there are things to work through still. As with most events such as this, it has brought my family closer together. It has in some ways validated what I am doing with my life, they seem to understand a bit more the "why" I am doing it. Although, the obituary did not list me as Catie Green (or even Katie Green) and did not list me as from Ann Arbor. I mentioned it to my mother, just as a interesting point and she comes back with "you are lucky that we named you at all" (meaning when I was born, I am lucky that they named me at all when it was BORN.......WTF?) It just seems to be way too much to ask for my family to acknowledge who I am. Typical. It has been happening for 46 years and it really is not going to stop....LOL. I had sent a card to Spencer about two weeks before he died. I wanted him to know how proud I was of him. He sent me a card back and he called me Katie on the card. That meant the most to me, for him to acknowledge me as who I am. For those of you who do not know, I grew up as Cathy and I changed about twenty years ago to Katie. My family refuses to accept it. So the fact that I am changing it to Catie is not a big deal to them, coz they still won't acknowledge it.

Wow, how did I go off on that? Well, brothers and my sister we really have done some bonding this week. I think when a sibling dies, it strikes much closer to your own mortality and you realize it could be YOU next or any of your other siblings. So we have been almost too sentimental.....but it has been nice.

I still have the other thoughts rolling around in my head....... I will get to them soon enough.......and the huge hole I have dug in my school work.....well......that too.


Thursday, February 14, 2008

New thought for the new thought...

Of all the times for me to have my head swimming with all of these thoughts!!

The viewing was nice (how can that be?? LOL) Nice to see family, nice to be with them.

I have thoughts about my thoughts, but I am too tired to type them tonight. is the thing. New Scott turned on my "love" switch. This is a switch that I keep turned off so I just need to find that switch and turn it off again. The "love" switch is the part of me that just really wants to LOVE someone. So..... I just need to locate it and get it switched back off.

The panic/fear that I feel, is like an alarm. Something I need to pay attention to. But not too closely, at least until I get that love switch turned off.

I do NOT need to know what tomorrow holds, and that is what the thoughts were trying to do........all I need to know about is today, this moment.

More later...........that is enough given the day............much love and peace.........MUAH!

New thought.

Interesting. I have done really good work to know myself and love myself.

I am full of compassion.

I have such a big heart.

The people that come into my path, seem to need someone like me as a friend.

It makes me wonder.

It even really scares me.

Could it be....

That I am alone....

To care for others.....

It is a possibility that I must consider. Like, becoming some buddhist nun or something. (I am quite sure that buddhist nuns couldn't possibly think of sex as much as I do......tell me that is not my calling!!!

Maybe it is just for now (I have said this for 20 years...shit)

Way deep down, in the far corners of my heart, there is a feeling, this stinging, painful feeling.......what if this is true?

I need to consider the possibility, coz I don't want to ever be old and bitter, and it seems like that could happen if I don't protect against it.

Deep Breathe. Come what will come, coz......I am fucking awesome.......and I have some fucking awesome friends...(Yes I mean you!!!..:o)

Today is the day of the viewing for my brother. Tomorrow is the funeral (did I already tell you this?) I will be leaving here a little after noon (need to run a few errands) and then I will return tomorrow afternoon. I keep telling this to people and I keep thinking......who cares??? LOL. I guess it is important for me to tell people. LOL.


Happy Valentines Day

This is one day of the year that I really am not too fond of. It is not a fun singles holiday.

I am going to Godiva to purchase a small little wee something for myself, just coz.

I hope that all of you who are hooked up, remember to do something special for the one you love (even something small, just to say I love you)

And for those of you who are not hooked up..........remember to love yourself. It is the most important love of all!! Do something special for yourself, just coz, and remember that there are people who care about you, lots of people that care about you!!!

Much peace and Love to you all,


Wednesday, February 13, 2008


Do you skip? Remember skipping when you were young?

Do you do it?

Maybe you have not thought about it.

Think about it now.

Sometime, when you are walking, start skipping.

You will start laughing.

You won't be able to help but smile.

Sometimes, you just need to skip, and suddenly everything is alright.

I went skipping today, in the snow, with the sun shining on me................

and I smiled the biggest smile..........

and I laughed the best laugh..............

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Platonic vs Romantic

Well, sometimes you hedge your bets and lose.

I bet my last dollar at the roulette wheel.....and I lost.

No big deal really.

I took the wager before I really knew the stakes.

Now, I start saving my pennies, hoping to save enough to place another bet. After all..............

You don't find love unless you open your heart. One must place the bets, one must take the chance......

I am very grateful for 2 friends that I have made. Sometimes friends are far more valuable than a romantic love. (at least in my case, since romance doesn't seem to stick to me, I at least am able to find friends that stick (Big and Little are a perfect example). Friends are always good.

I will be saving the pennies, but I don't think that I will be placing too many bets very soon........losing has a tendency to make one a bit shy about placing a bet again.......but I am certain that I will.........coz I really am a dork. *smile*

ED. Note: Sitting alone in this apartment another day was a daunting thought, so I emailed Jim and said "watcha doin?, can we do lunch, dinner, tea or sometin?" He emailed back, "I will MAKE time, hang on." Soon, I was sitting in his living room cuddled up with a kitty, the sun shining on me and having real live human conversation. ahhhhhh. Friends are really a good thing.

The viewing is Thursday evening and the funeral is Friday morning. I will be traveling back home Thursday afternoon and will return to Ann Arbor on Friday afternoon. Saturday is the big Vegetarian Pot Luck at Jim's house, so I have a whole slew of people to meet and get to know, which could be really really fun! I like fun :o)



Sometimes circumstances in life occur that bring a stark reality to a person. I am not sure how to share this story without sounding like I am having a pity party. I certainly am not, I am realizing something significant.

I spent 12 hours yesterday orchestrating the best death I could for my brother and my family. I can not begin to describe what it took out of me. I gave everything in my being to do this. I would do it again in a heart beat. I am not going to share the details here, but it was an incredible experience and the outcome was mind blowing.

It was all said and done and my family began the process of leaving the hospital. I realized that I am the only single person in my family. They all began to get on their coats and walk arm and arm to their cars. I parked in a different garage then they did, so at some point, I turned in a different direction and completed my walk to my car alone. A realization that just seemed to be so strong. I am alone. I spent the entire day caring for others needs fully (without any regret or expectation, it just is simply what I did) and now, here I was, alone. Not a soul to comfort me. I decided at that late hour that I was going to drive back to Ann Arbor. I needed time to think and allow my mind to process some of it.

Someone had said to me, when I spoke to them on the phone earlier before I left the hospital, that I would be able to take care of myself (after wondering if anyone was going to take care of me now).

That thought bounced around in my head. Not only is no one willing to take care of me, there is no one to take care of me. And that is reality for everyone in some ways.........but all of my siblings and parents, all went home with someone that cared about them, that could hug them and lay in bed with them as they cried.

I realized that what this person said, is true. I will take care of myself. I always have, and maybe that is why I have been single for so long, to prepare myself to care for myself.

I am glad that I drove home. If I am the one that is going to care for myself, then I wanted to be in my own space, in my own bed, in my own shower.

There is a deep sense of loneliness for me today. Simply silence. I think that might be what I might expect for some time now. That is not a bad thing. I often think how nice it would be to not have it be silent, to not have it be aloneness.......but there is just not much for me to do to change that. It is what it is. For today, for this moment.

I am really grateful that I DO know how to take care of myself. And that I will do.


Tis finished

It is finished.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I wish to tell the story.....yet.....I am not quite able to at this point.

I am doing well. VERY drained and feeling pretty lonely, but doing well.

More later.


Monday, February 11, 2008


I am getting around here to head to the hospital. THe doctor comes in around 9:30ish. I hope that they don't drag this out all day. That sounds cold, but dragging it out only makes it more difficult for the family and for my brother as well. It also is very possible that he will be able to breath on his own once it is turned off. I need to prepare my family for what could transpire. It IS not fun to watch someone struggle for air. Hopefully they can medicate him enough to make it less dramatic.

I will check in later. The hospital has wireless.


Sunday, February 10, 2008

At the kids house

Ok, I was at the hospital. Was able to say goodbye, which is good. Home with the kids now and hoping to do some homework. Most of my profs have responded with, DON'T do any homework, let it go, you can catch up on it. Which is really great. However I think I need to do some, or my mind really will be going a million miles a minute. I have thought of smoking actually, but of course will not even consider that. But when you have that history, and shit piles up like this, your mind says, you know a smoke would really do a lot to help you relax. Breathing also helps me relax and that is a much better option!

I am feeling a bit lonely, but I suppose that is to be expected.


Limited Internet Access

I am heading back home to say good bye to my brother and be with my family. They are stopping life support tomorrow, so I will be there tonight and tomorrow. Hope to come back to A2 on Monday night. I won't have much internet access, just enough to turn in assignments.....maybe some time to pop in and give you an update. Just wanted you to know what is transpiring on this end. My procrastination on schoolwork is making it so that I am paying a very big price right now.......maybe that is the kick in the ass I needed to not do it again?? God I hope so. Ok...gotta run.

Much Peace

Saturday, February 09, 2008


Ok, this procrastination is serious.

This illness is serious, and I should just get myself out of the door and pick up some 7up and soup and crackers.....I think I need some nourishment. mother thank me for the birthday gift. Then says, "Your father is keeping you up to date on Spencer right?" (Spencer is my step brother who recently was diagnosed with lung cancer) I said, well I guess. So then she said, he has been in the hospital on life support since the super bowl!!!! WTF??? So I call my father. Bottom line, I need to go to the hospital.

Only trouble is, I have so much homework that I can't see straight. And it is my own fault. And now, I keep thinking about how Spencer and I reached out to each other recently, I had sent him a card and he sent me one back. Fences were mended. I MUST see him before he dies. *sigh*

Oh, plus I am sick.



I was in class yesterday and had such an upset stomach. My stomach is a little finicky so I figured it would just go away. It got worse. I came home and laid in bed for the rest of the day. I didn't eat anything! I am having some tea this morning........I wish I had some bread or crackers and some 7-up. I have basically no food in my apartment. I seriously need to clean the place as well. BUT first, I must do some homework.

I forgot that I had tickets to some orchestra type thingy tonight. I asked Scott (new) but he is going to visit his father this weekend. I asked Jim, but he ignored me (I asked him like 3 times too, he ignored me every damn I offered to GIVE Jim the tickets to take one of his new girls...and he ignored that too...LOL. So. I am going alone. Unless of course I still feel sick. At which point......I will take the tickets downstairs to my neighbors and gift them.

Homework. That is the word for this weekend. I must do it.

Starting NOW.


Friday, February 08, 2008

New Spelling, new pic

Ok, so the picture that I had up on myspace, my website and here.......was starting to be a little dated. It really wasn't taken that long ago, it is just that my hair is very different. So........I was playing around, trying to get a good pic of myself (do you realize how difficult that is?) And....poof...........a picture that I can live with.........even though it is slightly riske' isn't TOO it???

Thursday, February 07, 2008

The joy of unexpected circumstances

Well.....I didn't go to fact my paper is not even finished yet. I had a temporary filling fall out of my head (tooth), thus I called my Prof (who was awesome about it) trotted my ass over to the School of Denistry, where I spent the next nearly 3 hours with hands and tools clinging around in my mouth. It was not pleasant. Seriously. At first, the "student dentist" just wanted to do another temporary.......I was not thinking that was such a great idea, but who am I to say?? (I am the CUSTOMER, who is damn straight I said something) I said, Seems like a waste of time and resources to me. Fill the damn thing. So then he is figuring out how to do that, then says, he was going to put in a temporary and then another student would do the filling (in 15 minutes) I said.....ummmmm.......I don't think so. Then he went back to the temporary and come back later which time I again, voiced my......waste of time and resources thought.......till finally........they just filled the damn thing. And oh btw..........the kid was hysterical and very nice....but he has a HORRIBLE bedside manner as it relates to being inside someone's mouth. *SIGH* Now.....I am home with a numb mouth......hungry since I have not eaten all day, unable to eat, cause well.....he did a fine job of numbing half my body........a paper to finish........which was not my plan, I had other homework to do to prepare for tomorrow.......might be another late night. Might be that I should stop dilly dallying around and do what I came here to do......Christ almighty!

Other than that. I am simply Just this. Just here. Just Now. Namaste. Catie

My Blog was Hijacked!

If you tried to visit this morning, you would have been redirected to some blog poll page. Very annoying. It finally was taken care of, I assume by, as on the help page there were other people with the same issue.

I am finishing up this FUCKING paper. I hope to have it finished about an hour and a half before class begins, because I SOOO want to walk to class (about 3 miles) I am just needing to be out in the fresh air and in soul is longing for it.

I have a shit load of stuff to do over the course of the next few days. I also put a new singles ad up on the Onion.....check it out if you are interested in finding out how I present myself (I think you have to be a member to see them, but it is free) It is at My ID is Fluffylogic (don't you love that tag? Jim helped me create it!!)

Ok......back to the paper.....oh...and if you go and check out my profile, LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU it sound like me, and shit like is difficult sometimes ya know?


Wednesday, February 06, 2008


I am dragging on this paper. FUCK! Why am I soooooo not into this? I swear to God......I have a LONG road ahead of me, crapping out on the homework is NOT going to make for a fun time over the course of the next 3 years. SHIT!

There is something to this procrastination with the work. I better figure it out and get it straightened out, or this is going to make me nuts.

I was going to a mediation class lost.....couldn't find it in the dark and frustrated, felt alone.......drove home.

Now. Just. Feeling. Alone.

Jim is starting to meet and date new people, so no time for "recreational friendship moments" (as he puts it) Scott, mostly just thanks me for saying something nice to him once a day. I guess I need to make a few more friends.

Or not.


I want to go walk in the snow.....skip through the want to come with me?


I got my Rx refilled for my legs and I slept last night for the first time in about a week. It felt so good. (I also got a few xanax from the good doc, just to give myself a little break from the axniety of late, so that was of some assistance as well)

I take for granted a good nights sleep, until I lose that ability and then I really get frustrated!

I must write a paper today that is due tomorrow. Not good that I waited until the last minute to write it. Philosophy of all things..........yuk.

I am getting caught up on things. Hopefully by this weekend I will be feeling more on top. Of course, the nature of the entire thing is that, I will not feel on top of it. Ever.

My heart still hurts a bit. But that is going well. Scott and I remain in "some" contact, not much, but hey.....a little is nice to at least know someone is doing well.

I had to take this test for a class. A personality test. I should copy the results really is a little embarrassing that I am such a sap. Here is my main personality........

Your heart-felt communication style creates peace and harmony in the workplace. You know how to bring out the best in others. As a Blue personality you are gifted with tremendous people skills.
You're a heart felt communicator who has a strong need to make a difference in the lives of other people. This strength is immediately noticeable in the way you make connections and bring out the best in those you encounter. People usually feel relaxed and comfortable in your presence.

You love to build self-esteem and make others feel good about who they are. You can easily motivate and inspire people to make changes in their lives and reach their potential. This natural talent makes you excel a counselor, teacher, social worker and journalist, but the list is far greater in the book.

I am compassionate. I am always encouraging and supporting. I am a peacemaker, sensitive to the needs of others. I am a natural romantic.

I like to do things that require caring, counseling, nurturing, and harmonizing. I have a strong desire to contribute and to help others lead more significant lives. I am poetic and often enjoy the arts.

I value integrity and unity in relationships. I am enthusiastic, idealistic, communicative, and sympathetic. I express my feelings easily.

I am sure that those of you who know me, would agree with that.........sometimes.......I would really love to be a hard ass and say.....FUCK YOU.......My brain just doesn't work that is probably a good thing, since being so nice doesn't seem to garner me much luck in getting men, I am certain that being a bitch wouldn't help matter. Although.........there might be something to consider there..........;o)

Ok......Off to shower....I am running late for a meeting. Peace.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Name change

Ok, so I am officially going with this spelling change. It does NOT feel like me and that is strange, however I have a plan.

This week sometime, I am going to have a "ceremony" to ritualize this change. It seems rather fitting for me to do this given all that I have learned this past year. You see, I am in such a different place than I once was. Changing my name to Katie (from Cathy) was symbolic for me, and it really seems time to have another change that is symbolic of where I have come from and where I am going. I think once I have this ceremony, I will feel more connected to this spelling.

I am hanging out waiting to see a doctor. I need some Rx refills.

I am doing well. Really well.


Just Feel Rather than think.

There is much truth to this. I want to tell a story, explain why, logically make sense out of why I am hurting, and why I am upset that I am upset. It all is spinning a story that only complicates the one natural thing that is there. My heart hurts. Instead of just feeling the hurt. Being with it. Accepting it. I fight it, I do all of the above, and then become further upset because I am hurt.

When all that really needs to be done is acknowledge that my heart hurts. Feel the pain. Move on. Nothing more.

My heart hurts.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Moving along

Just a short note to let you all know that I am moving along just fine. I am needing to focus on school this week after having taken a few weeks off to make friends (LOL!!!) That isn't completely true, but as with all things, it has a kernel of truth to it.

Ok, class is about to start. I have some other things to share, I will catch you up later tonight, some point soon!


Sunday, February 03, 2008

Big Work

*sigh* You know, I really value deep soul work. I do. I treasure how it pushes me to grow and become a better person. Sometimes I wonder about taking a little break, you know, just resting in peace, enjoying some of the work that I have completed. That is not always an option, soul work comes often uninvited and unexpected.

I have been practicing for this particular soul work for a while. So that should make it easier to accomplish. Right?

Right. I am struggling with it.

I am going to get some homework finished, then I am going to get my kids out the door on their way home and sit. Just Sit. Breathe. And take all of the emotion and shit that is swarming around me in and just be with it.

Life lessons.......they are good. (Even when they don't feel good.

Friday, February 01, 2008

Bye Bye

You may notice that I deleted a few recent posts. Sorry if you missed them, but I needed to clean house a bit.

My boys are coming to visit me tomorrow. They will be arriving in the afternoon. I am looking forward to hanging with my boys.

Homework is looming.

Life is.

The universe is teaching me some of the most valuable lessons that I may ever learn.

I really. Must. Be. Brave.

Sometimes, you meet really special people in your life and it is simply the wrong time to meet them. I met someone that served to inform me that there are men in this world that I am looking for. There really are men that have incredible qualities. There really are men that are so special you think that your heart might break in two if you walk away from them.

It would be so nice if I have the opportunity to meet this man again, when the time is right.

In the meantime, I am very proud of myself for being willing to learn and do the right thing for myself, and for this very special person.

Much Love and Peace to a man that deserves to have far more than he does, and I hope that he gets it one day. :o)