Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Thoughts

I am up early to get started on this paper. I completed the Bibliography (trust me, that takes time!) My iPod is playing (I haven't had it on and I forgot how music eases my mind, and Roy, I really love that song that you sent me). Anyway, my mind is so full of other thoughts beyond this paper. So I suppose this is my disclaimer to what you are about to read, so if you don't wish to hear my inner thoughts, please do not proceed, if you are curious and wish to continue, please don't hold it against me! (LOL!) I just need to type out a few thoughts to get them out of my head, the rest of the day will go a little smoother.

I had a true melt down yesterday. Something no one ever really plans on having and when it comes it takes them by surprise. I was surprised and not so surprised, it has been coming, somewhere deep down, I felt it. Then ignored it. I never expected that quitting a job that I was very successful at (and paid me well), selling my house (that I raised my children in), moving to Ann Arbor and starting Doctoral school would be a transition that would loom over me as large as it has. I did expect an adjustment, no doubt, I don't think I realized just how life changing it is. Silly in a way, after all, everything that I knew as my life, being a mother, a boss, an artist, a home owner, an employee........every single thing that defined my life is now gone. Yes, I am still a mother (just in a much different capacity than before). My comfort before was melting glass and I could not move my studio here and have not melted glass since I moved, that is really significant!! Consider even that I left my home furnishings with my children, so all of the things that fill my apartment are new to me, down to the dishes and towels. I don't think we realize how the simple every day things in our lives bring us comfort. Familiarity has some value. I didn't think it would bother me (not that it bothers me, rather- it has affected me) to the degree that it has, because I love change. I really do, when I was a young girl I rearranged the furniture in my bedroom on a monthly basis. I love change. This was too much change. I am tired of the nausea and diarrhea, I am tired of the physical symptoms that have plagued me (I could use a few more weeks of no appetite though, ha!) Before any of my friends read this and say "Why didn't you call?" Having been single for almost 20 years now (let's not count the 6 years of "D", we all know I was alone those 6 years as well !) has created a mighty fiercely independent woman, right or wrong, good or bad, it just is that way. I do know that I could have reached out to a number of people that would have been more than happy to comfort me. (And I do have to thank Roy for being a very good friend to me this past week, he has listened to a lot of it, just not the worst of it) I really am not a fan of breaking down in front of people, although I would not blink at any of my friends needing me in the same way. I actually don't think that is a very great quality to not reach out to others, and I will work on it. So now, it is what it is. I am a 46 year old single woman doing something that everything in my soul wanted to do, I am in a very cool town, going to a prestigious school.......it might just be time to enjoy that! What other time in life could be this good? Seriously, I am young enough, old enough and smart enough. So that is where my mind is at the moment. What do I want my life to look like? Now that it is no longer what it was, what should it be now? How long am I going to try to live as an invisible person, closing down to everyone? I have 3 weeks between terms, that will provide some time for me to figure out just what I want this life to look like and to start living it! I am not sure why people have to hit bottom before they pull up their boot straps and proceed, it seems foolish to me, yet that is basically what I allowed to happen. I can forgive myself for that and move on now. Ok, time to finish that paper so I can move on from that too! If you read this, well, what can I say, thank you for having enough interest to read it, hopefully my experience and thoughts will help you in some small way. Peace.

6 comments:

ellen said...

It's ok to have a meltdown, chica. I think it's "cleansing."

Katie said...

Thanks Ellen, it really was cleansing! I just need to learn from it and move on. Thanks for reading, I appreciate my friends!

Little said...

I haven't had mine *yet*. I'm sure it will pop up out of nowhere soon. ugh....

Thank God for Tequila! See you Saturday!

Katie said...

I am looking forward to it, we will just have to talk until you melt down, at least you will have tequila to calm you! In fact, I had to test my tequila to be sure it is suitable for you.....having a margarita right now! A little shot of Amaretto (no Grand Marnia in the house, I might have to stop and pick some of that up for the Cadillac Margarita in your honor!) What does Big like to drink? (since I am sure he will be the designated driver....LOL) Of course I can always pull out the spare bed if he wants something hard! (to drink, hard to drink.....ROFLMAO!!!)

Anonymous said...

(big) oh baby something hard

Katie said...

LOL!!! Seriously though, what should I have cooling for you in the fridge?