Personal Journal Warning - Enter at your own risk! I have been writing this for some time, I just return to add to it and now it is time to just put it out there.
The last few months (as you have read about) have been a challenge for me. A challenge that taught me a great deal about myself and how I want to live my life. As I have been preparing for the new term, I am taking "inventory" of sorts and planning out this life. I think it is rather odd, that a woman can arrive at age 46 years old and look back on her life and wonder why she has not even begun to live it. That sounds incredibly strange, given that I have been successful, I raised three children who are all upstanding adults, I have some beautiful friends who care about me in ways that I hope I also care about them. So why does it feel to me that I have not begun to live my life? I think it is complicated and there is a part of me that is screaming to uncomplicate it. The simplest way to say it, is that I have been "waiting" for something my entire life. Ever since I can recall, I didn't feel "good enough" and there always seemed to be something that was not perfect about myself. This started when I was a young child. I have no specific event, no parental abuse (at least not physical, nor intentional) simply this "knowing" that I was not good enough. I am not making an excuse, I am just saying what it felt like. My entire growing up years, including high school was spent attempting to be "good enough". I did everything correctly, tried to be the "good girl". Basically, I lived my life for approval. *rolls eyes*. In respect to relationships. I gave everything I possibly could to my hubby, and it was never good enough, so I finally gave up. That colored how I would operate in all future relationships. I would give until there was no more to give and they would leave me, often saying that I gave too much. (wtf? LOL) I know that boundaries are important and I think that the Gemini in me is what causes me to have some difficulty in defining those boundaries. I see things from both sides. I understand. So when I should be saying "fuck off" I see their side of things, or what I believe to be their side of things, and suddenly there are no boundaries when in fact, I should have said, "fuck off" long before I do. But I digress. Back to the "waiting for something". I have felt that there is this beautiful, fun, exciting woman living inside of me all of this time and that I needed for something to change for that to be revealed. There have been many things that this something was. A few pounds, a six pack abdomen, longer hair, smaller feet (rofl), a degree, a better job, something, something....always something, and in the mean time what is happening? Well, as I said, I have managed to be successful and I am, after all admitted to one of the most prestigious schools in America to obtain my PhD , I am pretty, I am fun, etc. However I have consistently played "under the radar" In some way to say "don't get to know "THIS" Katie, the "real" Katie is much better. It hasn't helped that the few people that I do allow in, go running for the hills in time. Maybe it is because they sense this "insecurity" about myself. I know that when I am in a social situation and a man comes up to me, if he is a wimp and has a downward gaze, I am totally not interested. If he walks up to me with confidence, looking me in the eye, even if he is a geek, I am far more likely to respond. So I am certain that men can sense the same type of thing.
Ok, so what to do now? This is something that I have honestly been working on all year long. I have moments that I am on top of it, and moments that I regress. It is time to stop working on it and simply do it. Simply believe that I am good enough, too love myself fully, not waiting for that something to happen, because after 46 years of finding something that is not quite up to my standards, I am fairly sure that I will always find something new. I don't mean to make it sound like I have zero self esteem. Obviously to get where I am at, I had to have some confidence in myself, this is simply this piece of my soul that I have ignored. The Gnostic Gospels say this - If you bring out what is inside of you, what is inside of you will save you. If you fail to bring out what is inside of you, what is inside of you will destroy you. This is my way of bringing it out I suppose. How inspiring to be at a place that I can live this life and have it be what I truly have always wanted my life to be. And all those out there who think less of me for sharing this...........see if I care :o) Peace.