Thursday, January 24, 2008

Decisions

Well, nearly 50 responses to my "singles ad". More come in every single day. I have stopped responding. I also am not communicating with any of the remaining guys. I have met two good friends and that seems to me, enough for now. I know that at some point I am interested in a "relationship", but for right now, it feels right to simply have two friends added to my life.

I grew very tired of the process. I found that interesting. It was fun for a bit, then it just seemed to suck so much out of me. No doubt that through these two friends that I will make more new friends as well. I think it is good to focus on what is enough, rather than being greedy and raking in more! What a terrific success this has been! I could not have asked for anything more.

*****It is time for an "enter at your own risk" posting. Be forewarned that this is personal introspection and if you prefer to not know my inner most thoughts, stop reading now.....LOL!*****

First I want to write out something that I read the other day (from Mark Nepo's Book of Awakening):

In loving ourselves, we love the world. For just as fire, rock, and water are all made up of molecules, everything, including you and me, is connected by a small piece of the beginning.

Yet, how do we love ourselves? It is as difficult at times as seeing the back of your head. It can be as elusive as it is necessary. I have tried and tripped many times. And I can only say that loving yourself is like feeding a clear bird that no one else can see. You must be still and offer your palmful of secrets like delicate seed. As she eats your secrets, no longer secret, she glows and you lighten, and her voice, which only you can hear, is your voice bereft of plans. And the light through her body will bathe you till you wonder why the gems in your palm were ever fisted.

There is more to this writing, but this will help me get my point across.

At the core of who I am, there has been a belief that I am not lovable. This goes back to some pre-verbal experience that very likely was nothing intentional, but somehow I have held this belief throughout my life. Certainly, I have overcome this many times and have been successful in my life, yet this little nagging belief always seemed to linger around and often catch me unaware. I grew so very tired of this. I began doing some really good work to not just "fight it", but to learn to recognize it, maybe even comfort that part of me that had been hurt so long ago, and then reassure myself that it was simply a thought that comes and goes and to let it go. This has been a process, and even my physical appearance had taken on a protection barrier, that now can be removed. But in this process I discovered that I was not letting myself out fully. My fists had been clenched around the gems of who I am, fear squeezing my fingers tight around them. This was my final step.......to release my fists and open my palms and share myself........me, the wonderful and beautiful person that I am......to really share that with the world. So you see the writing above describes that process so beautifully. Once I released my fists, and I saw how radiant it really is............I had to wonder why I had clenched my fists for so long!

I am so grateful to have unclenched my fists. I am so grateful to all of my friends who have loved me, even when I wasn't always sharing myself fully.

"Loving yourself requires a courage unlike any other. It requires us to believe in and stay loyal to something no one else can see that keeps us in the world - our own self-worth. When we believe in what no one else can see, we find we are each other. And all moments of living, no matter how difficult, come back into some central point where self and world are one, where light pours in and out at once. And once there, I realize - make real before me- that this moment, whatever it might be, is a fine moment to live and a fine moment to die."

Peace.

2 comments:

ellen said...

My new life motto (Find it, Fix it, Move on) fits right in with how you are feeling now.
It's never too late to dig deep and redirect some of the shit that's been hiding.
I know that the digging can never end, though. It hopefully will not be a daily "dig" but periodic shoveling is required.
Good on ya, chica.

Katie said...

Thank you Ellen. This is true, the digging never really ends. There will be other things to find and care for, this was one of those BIG things, that I am truly grateful to have put aside now.

Namaste