Holy Cow!

I got a free bouquet of roses! They are so pretty! Bath and Body Works was having a killer sale, so for $100 I have enough, shampoo, conditioner, shower gel, body lotion AND wall flowers to last me the rest of the year! (ok, I will probably need more shampoo and shower gel, but you get my point!) I loaded up on ink for my printer, found a talented potter and got a small little bowl, some fresh cheese, fresh pears, a new calendar, etc. So much fun! I found a few places that I had no clue existed so that is cool and I am getting the art framed that my son's girlfriend brought me from the Dominican Republic (an acrylic piece that is sooo me!) It was great fun meeting all the people that I ran into. I took a bit longer than I expected and missed the first half of the first bowl game, but it is ok, I have the rest of the day and all day tomorrow to watch football! More on that tomorrow, as it is the day that Michigan plays! GO BLUE!!! Peace.

Happy Last day of the year!

Today I am going to be out and about running some errands. I have a load of coupons from the welcome wagon (really, lol) so I thought it would be good to get my ass out into Ann Arbor and cash in on some of these and be around real live people! I have mapped it all out so as not to drive in circles. There are things on my list of needs that just happen to fit into some of these coupons so it worked out well. The coupons themselves are not coupons for 20% off, they are more like gift certificates or something for free (like a bouquet of flowers) very nice!

I am hoping you all have a splendid day! Peace.

Inventory

Personal Journal Warning - Enter at your own risk! I have been writing this for some time, I just return to add to it and now it is time to just put it out there.


The last few months (as you have read about) have been a challenge for me. A challenge that taught me a great deal about myself and how I want to live my life. As I have been preparing for the new term, I am taking "inventory" of sorts and planning out this life. I think it is rather odd, that a woman can arrive at age 46 years old and look back on her life and wonder why she has not even begun to live it. That sounds incredibly strange, given that I have been successful, I raised three children who are all upstanding adults, I have some beautiful friends who care about me in ways that I hope I also care about them. So why does it feel to me that I have not begun to live my life? I think it is complicated and there is a part of me that is screaming to uncomplicate it. The simplest way to say it, is that I have been "waiting" for something my entire life. Ever since I can recall, I didn't feel "good enough" and there always seemed to be something that was not perfect about myself. This started when I was a young child. I have no specific event, no parental abuse (at least not physical, nor intentional) simply this "knowing" that I was not good enough. I am not making an excuse, I am just saying what it felt like. My entire growing up years, including high school was spent attempting to be "good enough". I did everything correctly, tried to be the "good girl". Basically, I lived my life for approval. *rolls eyes*. In respect to relationships. I gave everything I possibly could to my hubby, and it was never good enough, so I finally gave up. That colored how I would operate in all future relationships. I would give until there was no more to give and they would leave me, often saying that I gave too much. (wtf? LOL) I know that boundaries are important and I think that the Gemini in me is what causes me to have some difficulty in defining those boundaries. I see things from both sides. I understand. So when I should be saying "fuck off" I see their side of things, or what I believe to be their side of things, and suddenly there are no boundaries when in fact, I should have said, "fuck off" long before I do. But I digress. Back to the "waiting for something". I have felt that there is this beautiful, fun, exciting woman living inside of me all of this time and that I needed for something to change for that to be revealed. There have been many things that this something was. A few pounds, a six pack abdomen, longer hair, smaller feet (rofl), a degree, a better job, something, something....always something, and in the mean time what is happening? Well, as I said, I have managed to be successful and I am, after all admitted to one of the most prestigious schools in America to obtain my PhD , I am pretty, I am fun, etc. However I have consistently played "under the radar" In some way to say "don't get to know "THIS" Katie, the "real" Katie is much better. It hasn't helped that the few people that I do allow in, go running for the hills in time. Maybe it is because they sense this "insecurity" about myself. I know that when I am in a social situation and a man comes up to me, if he is a wimp and has a downward gaze, I am totally not interested. If he walks up to me with confidence, looking me in the eye, even if he is a geek, I am far more likely to respond. So I am certain that men can sense the same type of thing.

Ok, so what to do now? This is something that I have honestly been working on all year long. I have moments that I am on top of it, and moments that I regress. It is time to stop working on it and simply do it. Simply believe that I am good enough, too love myself fully, not waiting for that something to happen, because after 46 years of finding something that is not quite up to my standards, I am fairly sure that I will always find something new. I don't mean to make it sound like I have zero self esteem. Obviously to get where I am at, I had to have some confidence in myself, this is simply this piece of my soul that I have ignored. The Gnostic Gospels say this - If you bring out what is inside of you, what is inside of you will save you. If you fail to bring out what is inside of you, what is inside of you will destroy you. This is my way of bringing it out I suppose. How inspiring to be at a place that I can live this life and have it be what I truly have always wanted my life to be. And all those out there who think less of me for sharing this...........see if I care :o) Peace.

Skip the bookstore!

I just did the online thing. I saved 48% so that was great, but they better arrive as promised! I think that is why I typically do the bookstore, but the savings was significant, particularly when I have so many books to buy. I don't have the required books for one of my classes, so I still have to get those and there is one book that is recommended for another class as a reference and I am not inclined to buy it since it is $150 book, it is a stats book and I wish to God I would have not sold my last stats book. I didn't want to resell any of the 20 textbooks from last term, and I am certain that will be how each term is, at the graduate level, these books will be reference books for me for a long time to come (or at least through the duration of this degree). I still need to get some software though, which is a statistical program that I will use for a very long time, so it won't be too painful. I paid all the bills and have started on other things around this place. I hope to read a "real" book before the term begins, so if I can get everything done, I might have time to do that!

Ok, so I just peaked in at MGoBlog and they are rallying the troops for the game on Tuesday. Michigan fans have been so negative this year (with some reason), but it IS time to show our pride and have faith in this team! SO...GO BLUE!!!! WOOT!!!

Preparing

I have so much to prepare to be ready for the start of the term. I went to the mall yesterday (good lord was that a mad house!) I stocked up on some supplements (trying to get myself past the no energy thing) and of course I swung by Sephora (my favorite store) and stocked up on hair care supplies) I also stopped by another store to get birthday gifts for the Scotts. Their birthdays are in January and next Saturday is the party! (No I am not telling what I got for you guys, so don't ask!) I did however forget to take my ink cartridges to get refilled, and my ink is low so I can't print everything that I need to for my first week of classes.....this of course means another trip to the mall (oh god please NO!!!!) Wednesday is going to be on campus, bookstores, etc getting software, books and other supplies. I have no clue where one of my classes is located. The other classes are in buildings that I have never been in, so this will be interesting to figure out where to go, where to park, etc. I will probably check that out on Wednesday as well. So I have 3 days to get things tied up here at the apartment, then a day on campus, then.....the fun begins again! I am actually a little excited about it. Of course, I have the bowl games to keep me entertained in between it all for the next few days! Well, I do believe that catches you up on things around here. I hope that things in your life are going well and you are finding peace and joy. Peace.

Bowl Week!

God I love college football bowl season! The games are typically always good, even if they are teams that I don't normally watch in the regular season. I am pretty nervous about the Michigan game next week, not only do I have some cash resting on them winning, I would so love to see this era of Michigan football go out with a huge win. I am just here making some jewelry and enjoying football, I have a few days to kick back a little and prepare for the next term. I hope you are having a great weekend, doing something you love! Peace.

Character Molding

A quote from a Tibetan philosopher of sorts, Sogyal Rinpoche:

“Although we have been made to believe that if we let go we will end up with nothing, life itself reveals again and again the opposite: that letting go is the path to real freedom. Just as when the waves lash at the shore, the rocks suffer no damage but are sculpted and eroded into beautiful shapes, so our characters can be molded and our rough edges worn smooth by changes. Through weathering changes, we can learn how to develop a gentle but unshakable composure. Our confidence in ourselves grows, and becomes so much greater that goodness and compassion begin naturally to radiate out from us and bring joy to others. That goodness is what survives death, a fundamental goodness that is in each and every one of us. The whole of our life is a teaching of how to uncover that strong goodness, and a training toward realizing it.”

Upon further review of my life, I would say that there have been many waves lashing at the shores of Katie, what a beautiful image to have, to think of these things as shaping the shoreline, smoothing the edges, developing a gentle but unshakable composure. The whole of our life is a teaching of how to uncover the goodness this creates. Peace.

Home....Home.......ahhhh.....Home

This has officially become my home. It was such a relief to arrive. The weather became truly nasty and what is typically a 2 hour drive became a 3.5 hour drive. I lost count of the accidents and vehicles off the road, just about every mile there was one or the other. One accident involved at least 3 semi trucks, I-94 West from Jackson out about 10 miles was a parking lot, people were actually out of their cars standing around. (due to the semi truck accident up the road) Thankfully no traffic stopping accidents coming east, so I just had the snow and ice to deal with. (which was quite enough) I need to get the game turned on here and start the unpacking process. I managed to drag it all up the stairs, now it sits staring at me.....I sure hope I have some food in the house, I do not want to go back out in this crappy weather. I forgot to have them hold my mail, so after trying to cram it in to my box (which most of my mail is ripped to shreds because of it) they took the whole lot and threw it in front of my door. Nice. I did peruse through it briefly and noticed a card from Coach Carr. I had written to him after his retirement and he sent me a very nice card, so that was nice to receive. Ok......off to find out if I have food, and start unpacking.........all while listening to the game (if I get it! Crap, I am going to miss my boys football package on their dish service! )

Peace.

Hook 'Em!

Last night was a good bowl game! University of Texas played Arizona State University. Texas was on fire! They really played a good game. There was a play that was very odd, with a sideline coach for Texas touching (not touching) a live ball. The poor kid! Thankfully Texas didn't lose the game because of this mishap! ASU did score because of it though!

I am packed and ready to load the car.....the thought of having to drag all of it up to my apartment is not a good thought. I am lacking in energy in the worst way. I hope I get past this soon!

This story http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071228/ap_on_re_as/japan_ambulance_death (Sorry, I am lame and don't know how to link it) this is the future of health care in America folks. Everyone is clamoring for national health care, however it is likely to cause this type of situation. We also have an aging population and from everything that I can tell, we are not addressing the issue, at least not in a timely fashion that we will be able to avoid such a travesty.

Ok....time to start loading the car. Oye. I did not get very much done around here. Well, wait, I did actually get a lot done, just not everything that I wanted to. If I could have laid on the sofa the whole time I would have! I think I am going to look into some herbal supplements. Resuming my workouts should also prove to provide some energy for me. Next Wednesday I will go to see the physician on campus as well. This is just not fun and I really need to have more energy and not feel so crappy.

Enough whining.......I am off.........I will catch you on the other side! Peace.

They are OFF!

The kids left for Cozumel (Is that how you spell that?) They left in their wake a tornado! I have tonight to see what I can do with this place. Unfortunately I can not simply walk away. The boys did get their rooms clean and I can simply go in and put clean clothes away. Chrystal on the other hand, oye, she is the most disorganized person I have ever known! I should be able to whip things in shape enough tonight, go into the office tomorrow and then head back to Ann Arbor after work. I have been looking at the syllabus for each of my classes that begin next week and I need to download software and do some reading, etc plus there are things to do at the apartment. I forgot to have them hold my mail, no doubt the mailbox is full. I just need to go back to my own comfy bed and clean/organized space!

I have accomplished a great deal at the office, basically tying up the end of year reporting. I need to give serious thought to exactly what I am going to do for income during the next term. I won't be able to come back here often because of my schedule and I am certain that my funding will not last me the entire term. I need to promote my services and start selling my training of end of life care, that would be the ideal way to earn cash. Macy's would be dangerous for me :o) I am not going to worry about that right now though, first get my term started. I have a plan for meditating and exercising and getting myself out of the apartment each day and simply being a student! Hopefully it makes this term go a bit smoother than last term!

Ok, I need to get a few things finished before my father picks me up for dinner. He was hysterical at Christmas, he was taking a photo of me and said, "I am taking a picture of my kidney" HA! That is something that will be happening this next year too, as long as all goes well........donating a kidney to my father..........Ok.....I am off................peace.

Life is a bowl of Cherries

And why is it that I so often find myself in the bowl of pits? Geessh. This is a long story and one that I am not feeling that I wish to type out today, but let's just say that changing a tire twice within a week, in the fucking cold Michigan weather is not my idea of a good time. Particularly when in-between the tire changes I took it to the dealer, who apparently just put air back in the tire and rotated the tires. How do they miss a big ass nail in the tire? So, because I drove this tire on low air for so long, it was toast and I had to buy a new tire. Not a good time of year to shell out $80 that I don't have. Today has not been the best day in the history of Katie days. On top of that, I had a dream last night that I was dying and I was so distraught that I was dying alone, that was a bitch to wake up to. Katie needs an attitude adjustment! The good news is that I am sitting in a chair with my new massager, getting a back massage with heat. Ahhhhh.......hopefully you are all having a splendid day. Peace.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to all of my peeps!

The kids talked me into opening their gifts last night. They didn't want to wake up early....ha!

Since they go to Mexico every year they usually bring me my gift from Mexico. My daughter decided to get me a little something before then, which is a massage cushion. One of those that you put in the chair and it has heat and massage, it is very soothing! I am certain as I sit in on my dining room chair while I write papers, this device is going to come in very handy! The family gift exchange yielded me a mini shop vac (which I can use!!) My father got me a Michigan Clock (Go Blue!) and my mother gave me a little cash (always needed, particularly this year) So I did fairly well, considering I don't typically get any gifts...LOL.

This morning I will spend cleaning up around here, then shower and head over to my mother's place.

I had a talk with the kids yesterday about the fact that we are in a transitional phase of learning how to be adult children (them) and the mother of adult children. I said that I was not likely to return home to clean up after them any longer and respect that this is how they choose to live. I will not be complaining about it. Their reaction was almost surprising (and not so much) "Well mother, you can clean up anything you want to, we don't mind" Yeah, right. LOL. Maybe they missed my point! I do know that the piece of pie that I ate last night with a knife, would have gone down a bit easier had their been a fork to eat it with. Since they have no silverware in the drawer, I can only assume that the forks are living in their bedrooms. I am tempted to go buy them some silverware, plates and bowls...however, I am certain, if they cleaned their rooms, they would have enough of said items to not need to purchase new. The question now for me is, "do I scour the house for them, or just walk away?" The answer depends on my energy level. I will do what I can, however they may need to decide how they really want to live, knowing that momma is not going to come home every few weeks to straighten them out. I know one thing for certain, I am looking forward to going back to Ann Arbor on Friday! :o)

Ok, I suppose I should figure out where to begin. This is a daily thing, I pick up, do dishes, go to bed and wake up to another mess, pick up, go into the office, come home to a mess.............moving to Ann Arbor was a good decision, this just makes me insane. I love them to pieces, but they have no concept of picking up after themselves. Ok, I am bitching again.......sorry.

Merry Christmas. Peace.

Mourning the loss of Football Season

I did not realize how much football season entertains me. HA! Sure the bowl games are starting, but I really only care about Michigan (although I am looking forward to watching the Hawaii vs Georgia game, as well as LSU vs OSU) but the bantering and camaraderie of the fans is very entertaining and that has all but disappeared. My sons like pro ball (and I tolerate it) so we have had some good conversations regarding the new style of football that Michigan is going to be seeing with the new coach. His offense is the opposite of what Michigan has ever played and he is also bringing new concepts for the defense. I have such a desire to discuss this and no one wants to play with me :o( Such is life.

I need to get this house picked up and make some pies. Once I have that under control then I will head over to where my son works and hope to find the remaining two gifts that I need to purchase. This afternoon is my family gathering. My brother is a HUGE Michigan fan so that should be some fun. He also has a pool table, so we have fun playing pool. Our family is large enough that it is impossible to buy gifts for everyone,so we do a gift exchange in "white elephant" fashion. Everyone brings a gift that has a value of $20 and then we fight over them all. It is rather fun. Two of my three kids will be there this year, the first time in nearly 10 years that this will occur since they are typically in Mexico on Christmas day. (they will leave on the 27th this year) I also get to spend Christmas morning with them, which will be fun, since I have not had that in almost never. For some reason I always let them be with their father on Christmas morning! I did manage to squeak out a few gifts for them, seeing that I am a very poor grad student, that was difficult, but I really wanted to have gifts for them on Christmas morning.

I think I may be coming down with a cold (I really hope not) Hopefully it is just a crashing from the stressful term. There is so much I want to do, so I really would enjoy a bit of energy. I also think I have a lingering sadness about my friend that doesn't help the situation. Anyway........maybe if I MOVE the energy will come. I know I will feel better once I get this place picked up!

Tomorrow I will be at my mother's for Christmas dinner. I am fairly sure that my brothers are all spending it with their wives families, so it is good that I will be with my mother. My kids will be around as well. I will pop on tomorrow to say Merry Christmas though! Peace.

[ed. note : Jo just got out of the shower and asked me to go get him some cough drops, he is sick, so maybe I really am coming down with something.....crap!]

What fun!

Jenny and Paul (Thank you so much!) I had a wonderful time, a wonderful lunch and a perfect Christmas Gift, not to mention good friends to talk to you. It always is good to take a break from life and spend time with friends. I can not believe that tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I still have a little shopping left, just a little....but I have no clue where to find what I am looking for, or do I even know what I am looking for. Ah well.

I am watching 60 Minutes so I can see the interview with Yummy Tom Brady (Michigan Man!!).

That about does it, I will wait to wish you all a Merry Christmas until the day.....I am sure I will be around to do that! Peace.

Running Late

I should leave here about 9am to arrive and Paul and Jenny's by 10am. I am already running late! I ended up getting very little accomplished yesterday. I think my body was telling me to just take a break. So I did. Everything I eat comes out much quicker on the other end than it should still and that is enough to take a little wind out of the sails. I just don't eat much because when I do, I pay a fairly high price for it. This has been going on long enough, and I am fairly sure that my stress level has decreased enough that it should not be related to stress. So it has become somewhat of a concern to me, however nothing I can do much about at this point. When I get back to A2, I will go see the doc if this is still lingering. Ok, time to shower and get moving!!! I will be out for the day and will catch up with you all later! Peace.

Energy

I could use some energy today. I am trying to get things done around here. It is nearly noon and the kids are still in bed...LOL. I did clean the boys bathroom. (gag!!) They shave their heads, not bald, but that close cut look, so there is always hair around the sink and floor. Totally gross. Chyrstal's bathroom was just remodeled so it is all fresh and clean, however the cupboard needs to be put back together. All of the items were removed by the workers, so I am about to go and do that. I will probably mop the kitchen floor after that. (oh no, not my to do list!! Sorry....I will shut up now)

Anyway, I need to assess the Christmas gifts that I have gotten for the kids and determine what is left to purchase. I had gotten Ben Guitar Hero's 3, only to find out that Chrystal already has it, so I returned that and now need to go to Circuit City to pick up Skull Candy headphones for him. (they don't read my blog, in fact they don't even know it exists so I am safe to put it out there....LOL) Jordan had gotten a pair of these headphones and they rock! They vibrate when the bass plays.......very cool. I am hoping that when I go to visit Jenny and Paul tomorrow, they will take me to Circuit City (how mean is that, to ask them to go shopping with me the day before Christmas Eve????) I am SOOOOOOOOOO excited to go see J&P. It will get me out of this house for one thing, but just to hang with them for the day and enjoy their company will be a much needed infusion to my soul. We might get really lucky and it won't be too cold and we can melt a little glass too, if we have time, I think we are going to talk so much that we won't even notice that the day will come and go before we know it!

Ok.....to the bathroom........peace.

Good News and Bad news

Let's share the good news first! I got a call today from Little, he got a job in Ann Arbor! I am so excited about this! Congrats my dear friend! I am incredibly happy for you! I am counting on late dinners or early breakfast with you from time to time! I remember working midnights with you in the ED, you are a hell of a lot of fun on the graveyard shift! They are going to love you!

The bad news is, I hurt a friend today. :o( I hate when that happens. Although he hurt me too, so maybe that makes it even?

I need to head to the grocery store with about $20 in empty soda cans...LOL. I get to clean up the house again after that! Doesn't that sound like the most fun ever? I know I bitch about this every time I come home, and honestly, this problem is one of the reasons I chose to move to Ann Arbor...LMAO! They are college kids, what do I really expect? Meh.

Well....that is about it for today.......happiness for Scott, sadness about my friend, and annoyance at my children..........peace.

[ed note: make that $33 in cans! They had to call the manager to approve the amount...ROFL! AND, I have not gotten to their bedrooms yet , plus there is still a bag full in the kitchen!!!]

There is a reason......

That children are suppose to move away from home when they become adults......because if they don't, they are likely to make their mother insane. I am not going into details, let's just say.....I get to go back to Ann Arbor in one week!!! I love my kids and they are really great kids, but they are college kids, and that means they are busy, and selfish, and well, capable of making me insane. :o) That is about the gist of my day, give or take a few ounces of sanity. I do hope that you are all having a much better day!

Morning

I set up the futon in the spare bedroom,( there was just a mattress on the floor) I had an extra mattress pad and sheet set for a full size bed at my apartment, only I don't have a full size bed at my apartment...LOL. So I brought them home, thinking I could use them on the futon, which seemed like a better option to me then the mattress. Well, I may have been wrong! This thing is so hard and uncomfortable! I did not sleep that well. Oh well. Only 8 more nights (oye, I miss my bed) I managed to get some gifts wrapped last night and get them under the tree. I need to run to the store to get a some more wrapping paper in order to finish it all. Not much else to share today, maybe more later. I hope that you all are having a spectacular day! Peace.

Oh please......

I arrive back at the house, every fucking light is on in the house, the tv is blaring, somebody's iPod is blaring and there is not a soul in the house. (except me now) There is not a feasible place to actually sit, without crap around me. This is seriously a problem. EEK! I am fairly sure that they all have their martial arts classes tonight, so I will begin the process of ripping through this mess and at the very least getting things picked up and put away and the laundry at least started. Tomorrow I can worry about the nastiness of the floors and other surfaces. Saturday will be for the bedrooms. (be afraid, very afraid). I did not raise my children like this. I am a clean, organized person. This is beyond reason, and if you can believe it......this is good compared to what it could be. *roll eyes*

On a happier note. I so love being back in the little pond. I stopped by the hospital and talked to my former administrative friends. I was able to have lunch with the hospice volunteers and I was able to be the "go to person" for some serious issues in the accounts receivable, some huge issues that I will spend the next few days cleaning up. At least it can be cleaned up. Nice to feel like I know what I am doing, and know what to do about it.

I learned so much from the first term. Just thinking about it, excites me to begin the next term. A few days ago, I would not have thought I would think that, but it is true. I am infused with this indestructible feeling.

Ok, the noise alone is about to make me insane, the tv and iTunes must be turned off (ok, maybe I will plug in my iTunes) and then, I will begin the process and at least make it so I can sit down later tonight without all of this shit surrounding me. Peace.