Monday, Monday

I have accomplished so much the last few days, it is an incredible feeling. Now I am on my way to the school of dentistry (I so hate going). I am all packed to head to the west side of the state and get a few days of work in. I have staff training to do Tuesday and Wednesday night so that will be fun as well. Of course the cleaning and laundry will get done for the kids (I am taking my laundry with too). If I just didn't have to go to the dentist today, it would be a great day. I did have a conversation with my roomie (made her cry, which of course I hate doing) I think we have things planned out that we both understand what the plan is. Not exactly how I had envisioned things, but I can live with it. I should be checking in here as I will have my lap top. Hope all is well for each of you!

Hail to the Victors!

It was slightly ugly, but the senior players on the Michigan team showed once again that they have true heart. The first half showed a strong Michigan defense, the 2nd half MSU came out to win and we seemed to have gone home until the 4th quarter where we basically said "Uh, I don't think so" and took the game back. I love that about this team. They don't quit and after the first two games of the season, they had reason to quit, but they stood tall and didn't flinch at their critics and have shown they have incredible heart.

I have lingerings of the panic however I do believe I have it under conrol. I will be having a conversation with the roomie to clarify everything. I want to be sure that I have my thoughts straight and my approach caring but firm. I find it simply amazing that I have such a talent for getting myself in impossible situations. It is eye opening as well to see just how much of a loner I am. I think this will be valuable learning for me. (in more ways than one)

I finished up the presentations that I am giving this coming week and that feels good. Now I must fill out the applicaiton for CEU's with the state and finish the answer to the Grant. Today I also need to do a 60 slide presentation on a governement report on the quality of Health Care in America today. That should prove to be "oh so fun". I have some time in the morning to finish that as well. In the afternoon I must go to the School of Dentistry for the start of some work on my mouth. I really detest going to the dentist and the thought causes panic to arise in me as well. I am leaning towards heading "back home" tomorrow evening, rather than Tuesday morning. I have work to do and I have two presentations for staff trainings on Tuesday and Wednesday evening. I will return to A2 either Wednesday night or Thursday.

The UofM is offering an interdisciplinary class on death and dying. It is for nurses, social workers and physicians. I have been in contact with the professor over seeing the class and I will probably do two of my presentations for this class. I will likely take the class on my roster as well, to see what exactly they are teaching here at the University, since this is my field of study. The prof requested that I do that, and I figure as long as the work load is light, that shouldn't be a problem. I also have arrangements to meet with a few professors who have interests in my field of study as I am trying to form my program committee. I try to plan ahead with my schedule but there is just so much that I am still working on a day to day basis, with small glimpses of what the next few days hold. If I can impact the training that medical students receive in end of life care, I will feel a huge accomplishment in that alone!

Ok.....back to the 60 slide presentation...................I am hoping that you each are having a relaxing weekend.......peace.

Update

I am feeling slightly better, at least not on the edge right now, still a fluttery feeling in my chest and stomach. LUSH WOULD help as would a strong margarita, neither of which is possible at the moment. I do have another thought of what could be the cause:

I had class all day and since parking is non-existent on campus, I parked in the parking garage downtown and walked. On the way, I ran into two homeless beggers. No biggie, I have run into them before, however, one of them was a female and she was touching me, asking me for money and I said "no, not today, sorry" when she grabbed my necklace (I had a silver chain with a silver circle on it) and was about to rip it off me. My immediate reaction was to take her hand off me and push her away. All of this of course as I was walking. I was surprised by this and actually felt slightly violated, but I thought I just blew it off. That really is when I started having an anxious feeling. (The roomie had her phone conversation on the way) It started small, and lingered all day until towards the end of class when I was just wanting to get the hell out of there. I wonder if that psychologically affected me more than I thought it did. Or possibly that added to the roomie thing. Or maybe I am just a psychotic freak.....who knows.....I just hope I feel better tomorrow........and get my homework in the can in time to have a good margarita while I watch the game ;o)

This is going to be ugly

I am on the verge of a panic attack. I am never this high strung. It is disturbing to feel so anxious. It isn't something I want to plaster all over for public consumption, but it is related to my new roomate after hearing a conversation that she had with her family and her perception of what my offer was to her. That is the only thing that I can think of that would make me feel as anxious as I do. Seriously, it feels like I will "lose it" any minute. It is strange how these type of feelings are so irrational. Logically I can say all sorts of things to myself to try to calm myself down, but the physical symptoms remain. It really is interesting how this works and affects a person.

The classes that I am taking are things that I have learned in my life experience and I think that has been a frustrating point for me, doing busy work for something I already know. This week had a turning point for me. I realized that I may not be learning from the material, nevertheless, I am learning from the extra things that I am doing to accomplish the homework. Things like going to the writing center and learning some really good tips on sentence structure that also flow to thought formation and speaking. This realization has tremendous value to me and makes the busy work seem less frustrating.

My roomate is 7th Day Adventist so she observes the sabbath, which means at sundown tonight until sun up on Sunday morning, she doesn't do anything, not even cook! I was sure to clarify that I would not offend her if I don't follow suit. I have too much homework to not be doing it tonight and tomorrow! I also was sure to clarify that I WOULD be watching the Michigan game on Television tomorrow afternoon! Fortunately, she is very gracious and understanding that I do not hold her same values about the sabbath.

Ok.....I don't know what to do for sure to make this paniced feeling go away.......sex might work, but that ain't happening anytime soon....LMAO! For now, I guess I will just try to relax. Peace out!

Summary

That is all that I need for this damn paper (which sucks btw). Maybe I will feel better about it after I visit the writing center. At least I have something to take to the writing center! For class tonight we are suppose to take "treats". I think I will stop and purchase something rather than whip something up in the kitchen. Although, I maybe could use the distraction ;o) At any rate, at least this paper is "in the can" (almost) and I can move on to the many other things to read and write that lay in disarray on my dining room table. I seldom feel that I am on top, as soon as I feel "accomplished" I peruse the disarray and realize that there is "oh so much more to do". Just a side note........."it ain't gonna get better folks".......thus is the life of a poor grad student.

Something I have neglected to share here but warrants disclosure.......in the stress that has ensued, I took up smoking again. Now of course I must quit again. How is that for a smart chick? Yeah. Agreed. Ignorant.

Aside from the exra weight I have already put on, I now must diet AND quit smoking, oh the joy.

There must be something positive to share with you. Right. Positive. Hmm. My roomate and I are getting along fine. I won at solitaire this morning. It is November. Football season is not over yet. The weather has been gorgeous. My apartment is clean. Ok, I think that might be enough joy, jubilation, glee and euphoria for one morning.

Here is to hoping that you have a euphoric day :o)

Someone Save me!

I hate this paper! I am going to scream at the top of my lungs if I have to think about it another minute! If I were a consultant for this hospital (the one in the paper, that I am expected to consult for on paper) this would take me weeks to design a plan, design an implementation and monitor it, yet I am expected to do this in less than half that time, with huge amounts of information that I do NOT have (yet need). This is painful. I need to have a revised draft complete by 2pm tomorrow so I can take it to the writing center and they can be sure my passive writing style has stayed effectivly in my blog. I have my hospice patient tonight to attend to, so after 6pm I am effectively out of time until tomorrow morning. GRRRRRRRRRRRR. Double GRRRRRRRRRRRRR. I want to do anything right now except write this damn thing. SHIT!

Blogging

I felt the need to come and post.......and here I sit, blankly staring at the screen. I read many blogs and I am always impressed with the prose of those who write them. I started this blog as a "personal journal" of sorts. A place for me to come and "spill my guts". Some of you come and read (I am not quite sure why you come back, but some actually do come back!) and leave lovely comments that spur me on to keep "spilling". I have a desire for this to be more than that, and yet I seem to continue to come and spill. It is possible that it is all I need to do. Possibly it is not my role to entertain you with my writing ability or my whit, but rather be real and share the realities of my life in a rather rote manner. Rote may be too critical, but you get my point. For now, I suppose that I will settle for this and continue to drone on. My brain can only do so much and I believe that I am reserving it for the scholarly writing that must be produced for people who actually hold my future in their hands. Certainly they could not appreciate my passive writing skills! I am beginning to settle in a bit more each day. I feel that I have grown much over these first weeks of the doctoral program, which excites me as I look forward and know that there is much more growing and learning ahead of me. I hope that life is treating you each well and that you have peace and joy in the many corners that you turn. Peace.

So far so good

The first full day and things went well. She cooked dinner tonight (with curry) and it was great! I probably wouldn't want it every night, but it was yummy. We went to a workshop at the graduate school today that was highly productive. I have some serious work to do between now and next Monday. My schedule is FULL this week, so I am hoping to be productive in the down times to accomplish it all. We are adjusting to this new transition and each day will get better. Now.....I am off to bed and we shall see what tomorrow brings! Peace out!

Roomate

She is moved in. She brought so much stuff! I had figured out a way to get the desk out of my office (her room) thank goodness I did, she would never been able to get all of her stuff in there! I am not charging her rent right now, hopefully once she gets a job she can help out a bit. I am nervous, but I think it is going to be ok. She is wonderfully sweet and her family was very cool. She speaks swahili and my friend Ron had taught me one word that I could remember and it was something to the effect of welcome, so I used it and she was so appreciative, then started talking Swahili.....of which of course I just had a blank stare....LOL. She brought me some fabric to wrap around myself. This is what she wears around the house. What a wonderful opportunity for me to learn about her culture and Kenya. Very cool indeed. I am cooking up some Jambalya for dinner while she gets herself settled in her room. A new world is opening, this should be fun. (and scary, but I think the fun is going to overide the scary part) Now....homework!!!

Slow start.....

It was a slow start to the game. This seems to be typical for Michigan Football, almost as if they are testing the waters to see what the other team is going to show up with. I am here to tell you, we can not start slow against tOSU. The good news is that our two best players were in street clothes today. So we beat up on Minnesota without our two best players. Florida LOST today, which only makes me all the more happy ( I so don't like them or their cry baby coach). MSU lost to Iowa (!!!!) USC lost to Oregan (which, having lost to Oregan this year, it makes that loss sting less) Nothing, of course, can make the loss to Appy State sting less. Nothing. Ever. tOSU is winning against Penn State.........meh. Part of me wants tOSU to come to the Big House undeafted and part of me just wants them to lose every game they play. I am annoyed that they are good. Ok, I think that about covers my thoughts on CFB tonight. No comments on school work. I am pretending that I have none for the remainder of the day. The ole "head in the sand trick" It has never worked for me before, but I thought I would give it a shot tonight ;o) Peace.

Go Blue!

Today is the next to the last home game for Michigan. It would be nice if the rain stopped, however I have a feeling that I will be a cold wet puppy for most of the game. This shall not deter my spirit as I cheer on the Maize and Blue! I hope that you all enjoy your day!! Peace.

Motivation

Why is it that I seem so unmotivated? I have a paper due at midnight tonight and I have no motivation to write it. Oh, it is started and all, I just keep finding something else to do, besides sit down and finish it. The thing is, if I would just DO it........then I could enjoy the rest of the day/evening without that panic of needing to get it done. My roomate will be moving in on Sunday. I am looking forward to it.........and......I am nervous about it. What if she makes me nuts? I am sure it will be fine, and honestly it is likely a good thing for me, as I think I am getting a little eccenric spending so much time by myself. The bonus here is she likes to walk and I would so love someone to walk with. Although I really need to just go to the gym. Ok......I think I will look for some motivation and pump this puppy out and be done with it. Peace.

Ok, this is way cool!

With Firefox, I found this

http://www.stumbleupon.com/


It is a toolbar that installs on your browser and you click a button and it takes you to random websites, (you pick your topics) It is so totally awesome. 90% of the websites that came up for me, I was like....WAY COOL!

So check it out.....I am nursekatie on stumble, so add me and I can see what you are finding!

Nesting

Laundry, homemade turkey soup, strawberry shortcake, homemade bran muffins.......all in a days work. I shared the soup with the neighbor (and have 3 big freezer ready containers full of it, the bran muffins are a batter mix that keeps in the fridge for 3 weeks.......so I can have a yummy fresh muffin each morning for breakfast.......ahhhhhh....I feel like a mom again! The strawberry shortcake was by default, I had an extra bisquit left over and needed room in the freezer, so out came the strawberries.........all in all a very yummy day! Tonight is more homework (of course, did you expect anything different?) I of course did homework throughtout the nesting activities. Tomorrow is a major homework wrap up day (as is Saturday morning and Sunday) Saturday afernoon is reserved for the Michigan game of course!

You know you are getting old when........

Your child is one year away from being a quarter of a century old! My daughter turned 24 today. I was 22 years old when I had her! We celebrated on Sunday when she was here in A2 with me. I am so proud of her, she is becoming an incredible woman. I miss having her around, she is a chatter box and can talk circles around me, but I love to listen to her! I am thankful that she likes to talk to me! Happy Birthday to Chrystal!

Brrrrrr!

It is chilly!! I love to cuddle up with a blanket and be all cozy. I am resigning myself to the fact that until mid December I will be reading and writing every day. I feel like I am getting my footing and I will be so happy to be finished with these classes that are not my cup of tea. It will be nice to get into the research that is my field of study and see some results of my work. I hope that you are all enjoying your life! Peace.

Thought of the day

Ok, since you have been suffering through my whining, I thought that sharing a thought for today would be apporpriate. I get these thoughts of the day from a buddhist based service and they are always inspiring to me........here is one for today.........




When little obstacles crop up on the spiritual path, a good practitioner does not lose faith and begin to doubt, but has the discernment to recognize difficulties, whatever they may be, for what they are—just obstacles, and nothing more. It is the nature of things that when you recognize an obstacle as such, it ceases to be an obstacle. Equally, it is by failing to recognize an obstacle for what it is, and therefore taking it seriously, that it is empowered and solidified and becomes a real blockage.


Peace.

Just my luck........

Ok, so long about midnight, I decided that I was not going to burn the midnight oil and I wrote to the prof to ask for an extention for 2pm today. I get up this morning and there is an email, stating I may have an extention and to check the website. Nothing there, until 20 minutes later when she extends the deadline (that has now passed btw) to NEXT Monday......seems that I was not the only one struggling with this paper. I am so glad that I opened up an ulcer in my gut over this.....geesshhh! I will however be working on this paper today, then I can sit on it for a few days before I edit it. Maybe it will be better than sub par, which, in my opinion, has been the type of work I have been turning in to this point. Aside from this, I am finding some level ground with this term. It is really a mind over matter adjustment. Think about it, a year ago at this time I took 17 credits AND managed an agency at 50+ hour per week.....this is NOT that much more difficult than that was.....it is simply ALL the changes in my life added in. I CAN do this.......in fact.....I AM doing this. :o) Ok....I have the Turkey carcus cooking on the stove to make stock for soup......so I will have yummy smells all day.....and I am here.........reading and writing.........reading and writing............at least I can see now that I have my new glasses! Peace out

Long night ahead!

Ok, so I had a visit with Ron, the kids came and I fixed a delictibale Turkey dinner for them, we played UNO and had a great day......now they are gone (and I am a little sad) and here I sit at 9:00PM with a paper due at 0800 in the morning and I have not started it. Even IF I get an extension, at the very least before I can go to bed, I must write a rough draft, which of course is the most painful part. Editing is easy. So......I am looking at burning the midnight oil for the second week in a row. So what am I doing here? Avoidance? Ok....off to the draft.........which, "oh by the way" is an assessment of a large hospital and a plan of change to fix their problems, a job that would take a normal consultant weeks to develop........yeah....should be great fun. See ya on the flip side!

TGIF!!

Today is going to be a hell of a day! I have a seminar at the graduate school to attend. Before and after I have errands to run. Plus, I need to at least get this other paper in serious draft form today. I am taking the reading material for the paper with me, to read at stop lights and other times that I must sit and wait. I really would like to have the weekend free.....at least until Sunday evening. I know my kids won't stay late on Sunday, so I should have time to work on a draft before it is due on Monday......or.....I will be up late again Sunday night. I also have 3 chapters in a text book that I must outline and print for the class by Tuesday night. Three short papers due next week......all easily doable next week. I know that I have final type papers that are due at the end of the term that I need to at least look at the expectations and decide if they need my attention now. All in all.....I feel pretty accomplished, for the first time this term! On an even brighter note....I get my new glasses today! Yeah me! I am seriously tired of the constant "focus" concentration......I just want to SEE.

On another note.......I am a totally lame friend...........my dearest friend Jenny had a Birthday this month and I didn't even bother to email her or post it here on her birthday to wish her a happy birthday........I am so sorry Jenny! I love you and your gift is going in the mail today (or tomorrow) it is wrapped and waiting for me to pick up a box at the post office and send it on its way! I know you understand.......it just is so lame of me......;o(

Ok......time to get beautiful (which happens to take longer the older I get) and head out into the big beautiful world of Ann Arbor. (I am cheating today.....since I have to pick up my glasses, I am parking in the "Patients only" parking lot, it is close to the graduate school, so I can attend the seminar and not have to spend 40 minutes looking for a parking spot........shhhhh don't tell, if they find out...it costs me $25!!!)

Peace.........