Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Broken

Did I say this already? I feel so broken. I am not sure what to do about it. It seems too big. I suppose that I am hoping that the intensity of the feeling will diminish spontaneously. It is like it is not me, and I don't know what to do with this person that I don't know right now.

I did talk to the boy toy. (I really should change his name, coz it is a bit deceiving, but it sounds so fun to call him that!) Anyway, we did have a really good talk, then we went out and drank beer and played pool and just had fun as good friends. That was good. I do need to think about what it means to have this relationship in my life right now. It might not be the best thing for me, however I am having such a struggle with my thought processes (see above) that it is really difficult to determine what is best. He smokes clove cigarettes, and yes I had one and loved it, so now I am battling that nicotine battle. I smoked 3 of them today! They are WORSE for you than regular cigarettes (and more expensive) so I need to not let this get full blown, and it is not full blown yet, so...chop chop!!

In all the time that I have been working on self improvement, this period feels the most disconnected, the most painful, the most lost I have ever felt. I can only hope that it means that when I come out on the other end, it is going to mean the most growth I have ever had as well.

Is this what it feels like to have a mental breakdown? hmmm. It is a damn good thing that I start Zen training tomorrow night! I did get my hair cut today and I didn't shave my head, so I am probably safe to say that I don't need a straight jacket yet. :o)

3 comments:

ellen said...

Ok, I've held my tongue for a while but I guess I'll jump in now. I'm concerned, chica. You've had some ups and downs since moving to A2 but this sounds very different.
I don't really have any advice; wish I could help. I will, however, reiterate something I said a while ago.
Find some women friends and leave the guys alone. I feel like you're looking for validation from a man and you're just too good for that - I think you've forgotten that.

Anonymous said...

Big Here... I agree with Ellen. I remember how excited you where to start the phd program but along the way you went off the path of discipline. You should purge your soul of the bad way and get back on track of reaching your goal and ounce you have reached that point then peace and harmony will come.

Okay I have no idea what I just said but I do think you have lost what you came to AA for. You should set goals for the day and once you have accomplished those goals then give yourself a reward do something that will boost your self confidence and stay away from those personals.

LOL... any plans for lunch friday? I am off and little will be sleeping for alittle bit before we have to go and buy carpeting.

Catie said...

Yeah, I know, I need to be slapped up. Sorry guys. I am working on it. Trust me.

Big, I wish I could. I have finals to study for, a paper to finish and Richard Gere to drool over Friday night, and the Dali Lama to listen to all weekend.

What are you doing next week? I could use lunch with a man who doesn't want sex from me...ROFL!