Did I say this already? I feel so broken. I am not sure what to do about it. It seems too big. I suppose that I am hoping that the intensity of the feeling will diminish spontaneously. It is like it is not me, and I don't know what to do with this person that I don't know right now.
I did talk to the boy toy. (I really should change his name, coz it is a bit deceiving, but it sounds so fun to call him that!) Anyway, we did have a really good talk, then we went out and drank beer and played pool and just had fun as good friends. That was good. I do need to think about what it means to have this relationship in my life right now. It might not be the best thing for me, however I am having such a struggle with my thought processes (see above) that it is really difficult to determine what is best. He smokes clove cigarettes, and yes I had one and loved it, so now I am battling that nicotine battle. I smoked 3 of them today! They are WORSE for you than regular cigarettes (and more expensive) so I need to not let this get full blown, and it is not full blown yet, so...chop chop!!
In all the time that I have been working on self improvement, this period feels the most disconnected, the most painful, the most lost I have ever felt. I can only hope that it means that when I come out on the other end, it is going to mean the most growth I have ever had as well.
Is this what it feels like to have a mental breakdown? hmmm. It is a damn good thing that I start Zen training tomorrow night! I did get my hair cut today and I didn't shave my head, so I am probably safe to say that I don't need a straight jacket yet. :o)