Sunday, June 29, 2008


Ok, the prof for the stats class emailed me and I got a "B", which of course is better than a "B-" AND NOW I am finished. I think that is why I was pissy, just having that weigh on my mind, needing to know that I put that class in the books and can continue to move forward.

Part of the trouble for me is that I am used to being an A+ student, so getting "B's" is something that I am not used to, and it bothers me, particularly since in graduate school that is considered to be the lowest grade acceptable. I think that there is this internal struggle with "am I really smart enough to do this?" Certainly I had to be smart enough on paper to even be considered as a doctoral candidate in one of the top nursing schools in the nation, so logically, one must conclude that indeed I am smart enough. I know of master level nursing students here at Michigan who have applied to the PhD program here and have been denied, so it is not that anyone that applies is accepted. (Do you see how my mind is working...... this is called the "Impostor syndrome" Which is this feeling that I don't belong, that they made some mistake and that is how I continue to succeed at things, someone made some mistake and I just got lucky at each turn. Something like that, yeah, I am smart enough, I just need to keep reminding myself. Things are going to be much smoother for the next two months. I have 2 research proposals to write, research to conduct, a paper to present at Yale, and some time to breath too. It is all good.

"The boy" update, I think that things are going fine, we hit a little bump, one of those, learning how to "be" with each other things. No doubt that both of us pissy at the same time is not a good combination! When I get super stressed (as I was this week) my minor insecurities become more evident. Since I present myself as this "put together, intelligent, strong woman" the dichotomy of those insecurities seem even more glaring. I am who I am, so I guess we will see if "the boy" can love me as I am, good and bad. My heart of course will be broken into a million pieces, but, my heart has been broken into a million pieces before and I survived it, so if he walks away...... I will survive that too. I am hoping that won't be the case, because it is really difficult to find what I have found with him. can see that I still have a little "pissy" left in me, however, just knowing that the class is in the books, well, that just made my day! :o)

Ok, time to write a research proposal.......(it is due tomorrow :o)

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