Sunday, February 27, 2011

Hoping, wishing, waiting.............

I awoke with a deep sadness in my heart. I have done much thinking the last few days, I am hoping if I write it out, quite possibly it will help.

I suppose now is the time that I provide a warning. If you wish to continue reading further, please do so at your own risk. Much of what I write may sound like self pity, or whining, or any other number of negative things and it may just be too much information for you to know about me. I just need a place to put it all, and since very few people ever come here and feels like the safest place to put it.

So yesterday I was out with my husband popping around downtown Ann Arbor, enjoying the day with him and I was able to share part of this with him, but we get off track so easily, I wasn't really able to share the depth of what it is. We went into Falling Waters, which is one of my favorite stores. In the back they have hard covered journals. I needed a journal like I need another hole in my head, but I love them and so I always look at them. I found a journal that is illustrated with Rumi Poems, or at least pieces of them and when I opened the journal the first poem that I read said this:

Your way begins on the other side
Become the Sky
Take an axe to the prison wall
Walk out like someone suddenly born of color
Do it now.

When I read this, it jumped off the page to me, tears filled my eyes. I had to buy it. We are on a tight budget at the moment as we save to pay for the sectional that we ordered from Ethan Allen, so when I told my husband that I had to buy this, he said,,,,,,what? Than of course he didn't object. I purchased a $20 journal that I really didn't need.......but I had to. That really ended our day I think. As we were walking to the car, I said something about buying a $20 journal spoiled the day and he said, it is a journal? Not a book? That seemed to make it even more ridiculous that I bought this. I said to him, somehow, I had to buy it, or I would cry. He doesn't deny me anything, so he wouldn't say anything, but I am fairly certain that he thought this was beyond a little strange, but then again, most of what I say and do in the last few months has been beyond a little strange.

So. I am tired, as in, I can sleep. All the time. I was thinking it was all of this depression I think it might be something else, something more physical. I plan to make a physician appointment to at least check that out. The trouble with that is she will say that stress will make one whole life has been stress......this is different.

Have you ever heard the song by Citizen Cope - Sideways.

SHIT! I wrote an entire post and I lost it. This is all that was saved. UGH!

Ok The song by citizen cope, Sideways

This song resonates with me, it says what my soul says.........these feeelings won't go away, they been knocking me sideways............It is something deep within my soul, something that is very difficult to describe, but there nevertheless.

There are people in this world that just have an easy life, it isn't anything that they have done to make it that way, it just is their fate. There are other people in this world who just have a hard life. Once again, it isn't anything that they have done, it just is their fate. I am the latter. My life has been hard. I have had to fight for everything. This can go different ways for different people. But having a hard life, has made me a fighter.
That song by some pop artist where the chorus says, "it makes me that much stronger, makes me work a little bit harder, makes me that much wiser, so thanks for making me a fighter.... made me learn a little bit faster, made my skin a little bit thicker, made me a little bit smarter.....I wouldn't know, how capable I am to pull through.........." I think pretty much says what a fighter is who has a hard life.

I do want to be clear on one thing here. I don't hate my life. I have 4 very real reasons to love my life. My 3 kids and my husband. They are what make me want to be alive, what make me realize that I am suppose to be here and that I have contributed something to this world.

So, the next song by Rob Thomas, My My My..........also speaks truth to my soul. It touches on the sadness that I feel, yet reveals my desire to move past that and be sure that I leave my mark on the world through more than just my children........

Trying to recreate what your soul has written is impossible. For me, writing it is part of putting it out in the universe, to be heard and for me to move on from, but part of it is that I need to read the words again, I need to feel what I feel again, see it in writing and know it is out there in the universe, thus, this feeble attempt to recreate the impossible.

There is so much emotion for me, sitting so close to the surface. Tears come to my eyes so easily, more easy than I think that they should.

I think part of my sadness is grief. Grief for a little girl that never grew up that lives inside of me. My earliest verbal memory is that no body loves me and everybody hates me. What small little girl believes that??? Something happened to me at a pre verbal stage, something that I am certain was not meant to hurt me, but it happened and it was my defining moment. I have spent my life feeling like no one could like me. Yet, many people do like me, although I rarely let anyone get close to me.

I think that I also am grieving for the fact that I will be 50 years old this year. My body is not 18 any longer......etc. I think that I need to accept that I will be different physically, but that doesn't have to be worse or better, just different.

That might cover it. I may need to wrap it up a bit, I will see after I read it.

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