Catching up

I just post here more often. Work has consumed my life, which has made it difficult to do much of anything. It is a little disturbing, but I do hope that I can rise above it all very soon. I hope you all are having a wonderful Easter. I will update more often!

3rd Day back

About to head in for my 3rd day back to work after my mini vacation. It is stressful no doubt, but doable. I did go see the physician and will be having some tests, of which I am sure will show nothing. (more waste of medical dollars) I did meet with my committee chair and came up with a plan to make more progress towards getting this dissertation completed. Thus, I am moving forward positively. On a side note, I will NOT be having Chai tea this late afternoon..........as I did yesterday, which then kept me awake far too late in the night, which made waking up this morning very painful. I think it might be a long day......at least long enough to make me wish I was in my warm bed with my covers wrapped around me.......Cheers.

The Duck

I heard this story in 2007 and it often is what keeps me centered. My post yesterday was choppy, but that is what happens when you try to recreate the impossible. I think that I will be coming here more frequently to share thoughts to get them out. Anyway, I often refer to myself as a duck, and this is why.


Charles Garfield shared this story with me and it has great meaning to me. Some days I need to be reminded of it!
The Duck
Donald Babcock

Now we’re ready to look at something pretty special. It’s a duck, riding the ocean a hundred feet beyond the surf. No it isn’t a gull. A gull always has a raucous touch about him. This is some sort of duck, and he cuddles in the swells.

He isn’t cold, and he is thinking things over. There is a big heaving in the Atlantic, and he is a part of it.

He looks a bit like a mandarin, or the Lord Buddha meditating under the Bo tree.

But he has hardly enough above the eyes to be a philosopher. He has poise, however, which is what philosophers must have.

He can rest while the Atlantic heaves, because he rests in the Atlantic.

Probably he doesn’t know how large the ocean is. And neither do you. But he realizes it.

And what does he do, I ask you? He sits down in it! He reposes in the immediate as if it were infinity – which it is. He has made himself a part of the boundless by easing himself into just where it touches him.

I like the duck. He doesn’t know much, but he’s got religion

Hoping, wishing, waiting.............

I awoke with a deep sadness in my heart. I have done much thinking the last few days, I am hoping if I write it out, quite possibly it will help.

I suppose now is the time that I provide a warning. If you wish to continue reading further, please do so at your own risk. Much of what I write may sound like self pity, or whining, or any other number of negative things and it may just be too much information for you to know about me. I just need a place to put it all, and since very few people ever come here and read....it feels like the safest place to put it.

So yesterday I was out with my husband popping around downtown Ann Arbor, enjoying the day with him and I was able to share part of this with him, but we get off track so easily, I wasn't really able to share the depth of what it is. We went into Falling Waters, which is one of my favorite stores. In the back they have hard covered journals. I needed a journal like I need another hole in my head, but I love them and so I always look at them. I found a journal that is illustrated with Rumi Poems, or at least pieces of them and when I opened the journal the first poem that I read said this:

Your way begins on the other side
Become the Sky
Take an axe to the prison wall
Escape
Walk out like someone suddenly born of color
Do it now.

When I read this, it jumped off the page to me, tears filled my eyes. I had to buy it. We are on a tight budget at the moment as we save to pay for the sectional that we ordered from Ethan Allen, so when I told my husband that I had to buy this, he said,,,,,,what? Than of course he didn't object. I purchased a $20 journal that I really didn't need.......but I had to. That really ended our day I think. As we were walking to the car, I said something about buying a $20 journal spoiled the day and he said, it is a journal? Not a book? That seemed to make it even more ridiculous that I bought this. I said to him, somehow, I had to buy it, or I would cry. He doesn't deny me anything, so he wouldn't say anything, but I am fairly certain that he thought this was beyond a little strange, but then again, most of what I say and do in the last few months has been beyond a little strange.

So. I am tired, as in, I can sleep. All the time. I was thinking it was all of this depression crap.........now I think it might be something else, something more physical. I plan to make a physician appointment to at least check that out. The trouble with that is she will say that stress will make one tired.......my whole life has been stress......this is different.

Have you ever heard the song by Citizen Cope - Sideways.

SHIT! I wrote an entire post and I lost it. This is all that was saved. UGH!

Ok The song by citizen cope, Sideways







This song resonates with me, it says what my soul says.........these feeelings won't go away, they been knocking me sideways............It is something deep within my soul, something that is very difficult to describe, but there nevertheless.

There are people in this world that just have an easy life, it isn't anything that they have done to make it that way, it just is their fate. There are other people in this world who just have a hard life. Once again, it isn't anything that they have done, it just is their fate. I am the latter. My life has been hard. I have had to fight for everything. This can go different ways for different people. But having a hard life, has made me a fighter.

That song by some pop artist where the chorus says, "it makes me that much stronger, makes me work a little bit harder, makes me that much wiser, so thanks for making me a fighter.... made me learn a little bit faster, made my skin a little bit thicker, made me a little bit smarter.....I wouldn't know, how capable I am to pull through.........." I think pretty much says what a fighter is who has a hard life.

I do want to be clear on one thing here. I don't hate my life. I have 4 very real reasons to love my life. My 3 kids and my husband. They are what make me want to be alive, what make me realize that I am suppose to be here and that I have contributed something to this world.

So, the next song by Rob Thomas, My My My..........also speaks truth to my soul. It touches on the sadness that I feel, yet reveals my desire to move past that and be sure that I leave my mark on the world through more than just my children........

Trying to recreate what your soul has written is impossible. For me, writing it is part of putting it out in the universe, to be heard and for me to move on from, but part of it is that I need to read the words again, I need to feel what I feel again, see it in writing and know it is out there in the universe, thus, this feeble attempt to recreate the impossible.

There is so much emotion for me, sitting so close to the surface. Tears come to my eyes so easily, more easy than I think that they should.

I think part of my sadness is grief. Grief for a little girl that never grew up that lives inside of me. My earliest verbal memory is that no body loves me and everybody hates me. What small little girl believes that??? Something happened to me at a pre verbal stage, something that I am certain was not meant to hurt me, but it happened and it was my defining moment. I have spent my life feeling like no one could like me. Yet, many people do like me, although I rarely let anyone get close to me.

I think that I also am grieving for the fact that I will be 50 years old this year. My body is not 18 any longer......etc. I think that I need to accept that I will be different physically, but that doesn't have to be worse or better, just different.

That might cover it. I may need to wrap it up a bit, I will see after I read it.

Sleeping

I slept for nearly 24 hours in the last 24 hours. I am tired right now. It was a huge waste of time and I don't think I gained much from it. I want to be able to spill my thoughts out......I just don't have time. Maybe later.........

Impending Doom

Have you ever had a feeling of impending doom? I can't shake this feeling. In part it may be due to work and the unreal situations that I have found myself this past year. The last 3 months in particular, have really pushed me beyond the limits. I don't know what else to say at this moment. I thought writing would be therapeutic it doesn't seem to be helping.

Married!

I never thought that I would be married again. I thought I was just happy living my life and then......BOOM......I find the perfect man for me and POOF.......we elope to Vegas and get married (we were together for 2.5 years before we went to Vegas, so it wasn't that spontaneous!) I am very happy......and even better.......HE is very happy.......Amazing how good that feels to know that someone loves you so much that marrying you makes them so happy......I feel very loved!

Time to vent

Wow. Wow. Holy Mother of God. Today was likely one of the worst days of my life. I hate feeling out of control and that was the entire day. I ran the entire day from one fire to the next and then had to fire someone. As I sit here, trying to bring myself back to center, I read an email that one of the most beautiful ladies I have ever had the privilege to know, died. Nothing that is happening in my life could compare to the suffering she endured as she fought cancer for the last 3 years. She was truly one of the most incredible, giving, loving person to have walked on this earth. So although I came here to try to release some of my negative energy, all I can think of is how selfish I am. I think that I need to stop writing and just be for a bit. Such a lonely feeling.

Update

Well, I am officially employed permanently. It is not a typical situation. I was hired contingently to help prepare this homecare and hospice agency to get ready for Joint Commission. Subsequently they decided that they wanted to keep me, and thus proceeded the struggle between the homecare side and the hospice side, as they both wanted me. I finally made my decision to oversee the palliative care program (which I will develop), once that decision was made they realized that it would be a month or two before they could really get a palliative care program started up, thus they asked me to be the interim DON of hospice (the other position) for 2 months to get them into shape until they are ready for me to start the palliative care service. It is a long drive (45 minutes) however, that doesn't bother me. It is nice to know that I will have a decent income for the next few years while I finish my dissertation. I also realize that working full time will take more focus to get my dissertation completed. But to be able to pay my bills and LIVE without the struggles that having no money brings, will be such a relief. It will also set me up to have my credit fixed by the time I graduate. They are long days (12 hours including drive time) and I have no idea how I will get everything done that gets done during the week, or anything else for that matter, the weekends will be spent writing. So, going from course work to dissertation may be more intense than coursework has been the last three years, but at least I won't have the money issues. I can do it, and I am thankful for the opportunity!

I should expect it!

I should expect it, this "let down" feeling after sweating blood over course work and now it is nearly finished (one paper and 2 classes to show up for on Monday). It seems to me that I should feel ecstasy and all I am is totally grumpy. I think that maybe part of it is the proposal for my dissertation won't have any feedback on it for about 10 days, and I just wanted to know NOW that it was a great piece of work. The other part is, the apartment is a disaster zone (although Dave has tried so hard to keep it basically clean) but there are just things that I do, that he doesn't notice or even know to do. There seems to be no break yet. I didn't get my season tickets for the football season (no money), My car lease was due last Wednesday, so I look out of the window every moment to be sure it isn't being hauled off. I need to call and ask for a month extension. The job is great, except it is going to take me at least a month to get everything caught up. This degree has ruined my credit, so I will have to beg my bank to loan me the money for the buy out on my car. I owe money to people, I need to get my tickets and room for Chrystal's wedding, I need to get a dress for her wedding, I need to HELP her with her wedding..............on and on I could go. I guess it is just everything that I couldn't let myself be too concerned about during the term, that is still there now that the term is nearly over. I hope to goodness that I get a full time job at this place. The VP is taking me to dinner to discuss it next week. Although, I worked for 9 hours yesterday and basically spoke to no one. I am not sure that my fellow employees like me all that much, but then again, I am writing an infection control plan (I wrote nearly 20 policies yesterday) so I am not running around being social. I just hear everyone talking and laughing and think, will I fit in? I need to remember I am really super grumpy right now! I think I just needed to say all of that. So if you read it. I am so sorry!!!! Today, I won't go to the Spring game, I will try to get this place in shape, call Toyota, pay some bills and go to the laundromat. I also will go to the bead shop to get a cabochon for the necklace that I am making for Chrystal's wedding (yes, I am making her jewelry). That will be a fun thing today! Dave and I had a melt down last night, so hopefully there is no tension today (he is off work today). Guess I better get to it!

2 Weeks!

2 More weeks, I think I can make it! It is tough at the end of the term with so much to do for school and as much time as possible is needed at work. Plus, after one paycheck, things still are not back on track financially. Which I expected, yet still brings stress to the situation as well. So for now, it is nose to the grindstone 24/7 for the next 2 weeks, at which time I will get my second paycheck, school will be finished and my bills for March and April should be paid. Although, how ever in the world will I get a loan for my car that the lease is due on April 14th, I really have no clue, this degree has ruined my credit! I am hoping that the job will explain to my bank that I had extenuating circumstances and now I have a job and get on my knees and beg them to take a chance on me. If I don't have a car, I don't have a job.

Ok well. That might be enough doom and gloom for one day, plus I need to get ready and get to work. You all know that it will all work out, I really have no doubt, It is the living through it that I am dreading!

Weekend to remember

Chrystal arrived on Friday. We had so much fun. Saturday we spent hours trying on wedding dresses and found the perfect one! She looked beautiful and it is ordered. Spending time with her is such a joy. She just left and my heart is so sad. I don't quite understand why that is. Obviously I know that she is my daughter and I love her, however there almost feels like an empty place in my heart now that she is gone. I think part of it is that I am amazed at what a incredible person she has grown in to and we have such a beautiful relationship. Even if I lived back home, I wouldn't see her very much, so it isn't so much that I live farther away. It isn't that I don't love my life here (I really do). So I don't quite logically understand the sadness that I feel. I just know that I feel it and likely it is a good thing. There are things that I should focus on at this point and I just want to curl up and cry. That doesn't sound productive in any way, so I thought writing out my feelings might help get me back on track. Thank goodness that I have Dave, I can't even imagine if I was here alone after Chrystal left. I am grateful, truly.

Now, I need to write for school, I need to make this proposal a work of art!

Busy, as in, beyond busy!

Sorry for not keeping you up to date. There are 3 weeks until the end of the term and with 2 jobs, I am busting it! Dissertation proposal is taking up way too much of my time, however it is necessary. Fortunately my second job I was able to get the project to a point that I can put it on hold until the end of the term. My "real" job (which I love) has a joint commission visit coming probably on the 12th, which happens to be the last week of classes, in which I have 2 presentations and my proposal due. Blah blah, i could go on, but there is no point. I am just VERY busy and I will catch you all up soon with a great update of how I am so very excited to be FINISHED with the course work that is required to obtain my PhD! :)

Gotta love it!

Most PhD students who are at the end of their course work, have their research design, measurement tools, analysis plan, etc already figured out. I have bounced around for 3 years, partly due to the fact that my area of research is basically not anything that any professor is doing at this university. There are professors that are doing little bits of what I am doing, but nobody is really looking at what I am looking at. Plus, I had the worst advisor ever and chose to simply ignore it until this last term, when I realized that it was doing me more of a disservice. So I am playing catch up, as in.....HURRY UP, catch up. My advisor is the dean of the graduate studies at the School of nursing and, well, pretty damn incredible and he realizes that I don't have funding for this dissertation, so it really means that I need to get through this as quickly as I possibly can.

All of that to say......I found LOTS of great stuff today that should help move this all along much smoother. So much to do, I so have to focus and do this. How wonderful would it be to really be able to do this like I really want to do it? To really contribute NEW knowledge to how we care for the dying in our country? Damn, it would be very cool.

Ok....back to reading.....Just had to write this all down!! :)

Starting a new week!

I am sitting here in my robe with my hair wet and I need to catch the bus in 50 minutes. This will be quick. (that is what she said....HA HAHAHAHA, gotta love the office). I can't believe that the term is nearly over! Holy cow! There is tons to accomplish still and I really am just going day by day. This weekend was light on homework compared to what I will face over the next few weeks. Although much of my "class" reading will be gone, so that will help. I seriously am looking to make it through in tact. i think that I can. Having a job will help. I don't see my first pay check until April 2nd, so I still have to take the bus and other unfortunate things that come with not having any money. Although taking the bus at least gets me some major walking time in. I really don't have a lot to say, I just needed to write a little this morning. At some point here, there are some real issues that I need to address and journal about.......until then, I think I will just be putting up short little diddies........hoping if you are reading this that you are having a wonderful life and enjoying all your moments.......Peace!

As predicted!

So, I am working, actually LONG hours and finishing the school term (my last of official course work) AND......I am getting MORE done than I was before. I am always more productive when I have more on my plate. I am pleased with this! I am trying to NOT think of how close I am to finishing this term! I am really excited, after three years of course work, to know that this is the last of it, is amazing and makes the light at the end of the tunnel that much brighter! The end of course work means that I will have completed ALL of the classes (with the exception of one) that I need to meet the requirements for my PhD degree. The "one" is a data analysis class that I will take according to the type of analysis that I will be doing for my dissertation. Each term that I am doing my dissertation I am allowed one free class, so I probably will be taking one a term for the next year or so, but not 3-4 classes a term! Just thought I should explain that a bit, so when I talk about any classes coming up, you will understand!

Ok, time to get off here and get reading!

Juggle

Certainly we knew that starting a job before the term was over would mean a juggling gig for me and that is exactly what I am getting! The danger here is that I KNOW what I am doing at my job, it feels like going home in a way, at school, every day I am confronted with things that I don't know, so we know which is most comfortable for me at this point (the job). I can't be too comfortable though, I must press through and finish this term proudly! I can't tell you though, just how happy I will be to be finished attending classes and sitting through hours of discussion and lectures that half the time I could care less about. (at least it is only half the time, it could be worse!) I just need to put the time in and get it done! By the end of this term I should at least have the outline of my dissertation proposal and the introduction written. Not a bad way to go into preliminary exams. I could easily have my proposal for my dissertation written and defended by the end of the year with my dissertation defended within one year of that. Unless I have to do data collection, then it may take me a little longer, but I hope to be able to do secondary analysis! (meaning that there should be a data base out there that is already collected that would have the variables that I need and I can do analysis on that.

I reminded a friend yesterday who is in the program with me, "if getting a PhD was easy, everyone would have one".......so true.....non of this is suppose to be easy and it will be all worth it in the end! :)

How Lame.....

I am feeling pretty lame today. I had 4 days to accomplish a few things and I wasted much of that time. Yes I did get some things done, but there remains much to do. I probably shouldn't be so hard on myself, afterall, I will be paying for it over the next 6 weeks. Today I do hope to at least finish the paper that is due on Friday and prepare my readings for the week. I also need to run to the store, which I really don't want to do, but it would be better than Dave going when he gets out of work. We are on a limited budget until Friday and he usually finds deals that are too good to pass up and buys more than he should (which is a very good thing) but when it comes to we ONLY need these few things, it is better for me to go to the store! I have been doing to jewelry making and made a new necklace for my new job, however it needs just a bit of work, so I wanted to get that done today as well. Well, here I go again, putting my to do list on my blog. Meh.

After this first week on the job, I should have an idea of what my life will really be like for the next 6 weeks. I have an idea, but until I actually experience it, I really won't be able to plan my time. That may be why I haven't been able to focus on getting other things done. Or that could simply be an easy excuse so that I don't have to say that I am lazy! :)

JOB!!!!

It is written in stone (at least for the next 2 months), Catie has a job!!!!! I am beyond excited! I was very impressed with the place, the VP and quality manager's were super cool. I am contingent just to get them ready for a Joint Commission Survey. However! The VP is a HUGE palliative care buff and was ultra excited about my CV and research and really wants to start a palliative care program at this agency, thus, really wants to KEEP me.....he he. Ohhhhh, the thought of seeing people outside of school thrills me. The thought of having a desk again and working....ahhhhhh......more importantly the thought of having a regular paycheck.......you can't imagine until you have lived for 3 years on almost nothing! I am going to be beyond busy for the next 6 weeks, but I can handle it! I start next Tuesday! That gives me from now until then to get a few things off my plate (school wise) but first.....I think I need to go through my closet and be sure that I have clothes to wear! After 3 years of jeans and Michigan hoodies, I actually get to wear grown up clothes! Oh the joy!

Early to rise

My plan was to sleep in a bit and skip class so I can prepare for my meeting with the CEO and VP at what will be my new job. My legs didn't cooperate with that idea. I do have many things to get done today, so it is probably a blessing in disguise. I can work on a number of things that I didn't get finished yesterday when my brains were scrambled and then, as I had planned, have a little extra time to prepare for my "job" meeting. Mapquest suggest that it takes 45 minutes to drive there. Since it includes two major highways that service the Detroit area and are known for heavy traffic, I think I will plan extra time to be sure that I can locate where I am to get myself to. This of course means that I will likely arrive early, thus, I will bring lots of reading material with me! I have never had to drive 45 miles to work before, so this should prove to be interesting. Living in a Metro area it is very common to drive these lengths to get to work. Dave only has to drive a mile to get to work, THAT is what I am used to! At least it is only part time and only for a couple of months. Hopefully after that I will be able to find something more long term that is closer to Ann Arbor.

I won't breathe easy until I have some signed contract in my hand and all is said and done that I truly have this job. But when that happens, I will be so relieved to have some income coming in that will allow me to pay my bills on time for the next couple of months. The stress that it will relieve is going to be monumental!