Same Shit.......

Different Day. Nothing new to report, just working on the next to the last round of homework, kicking back a little. Trying to NOT read any of the 3 new books I bought while at the bookstore yesterday ;o) There will be no absolute relief about the coaching situation until at least Sunday, however my guess is sometime next week. (just in case you were coming here to find out the latest, and that was just said with tongue in cheek) I have been having quite the animated conversation with a new OSU friend I made recently and that has been great fun! (Thanks Roy for making my week just a little more interesting!)

Ok, that about does it.

PS..... Scott, I didn't hear back from you last night, so I will be calling you, hopefully that means margaritas for me soon :o)

Mark Nepo

I went to a book reading at Crazy Wisdom Bookstore tonight. Mark Nepo was the author. It was tremendous. He is inspiring to say the least. (I added his website to my Delicious list over to the left of my blog (it probably won't show up until Friday) Anyway............I need to contact my friend Paul and possible Mark as well.....I had this inspiration in regards to my research question and I think they could help me.

It was almost surreal as I sat there.......here I am at a book reading in Ann Arbor......I was smiling as I thought of this, my kids call me a hippie.......I am starting to live up to it aren't I? LOL. I loved it though, he was so incredible to listen to.

The football season has some excitement left in it with the coaches search. By all appearances it looks like it will be Les Miles who comes to Ann Arbor. We may find out early next week if this is true or not. I am not convinced, but we could do worse. As I have said before, he bleeds Maize and Blue and that is a nice quality to have in a Head Coach of Michigan Football.

I am not making great progress on my homework........my procrastination loop is in full swing........how does one exit the loop do you suppose? I really need to do that.

There is your update......not much to report really..........hoping you area all having a splendid week! Peace.

Learn something new every day!

Ok, so I frequent a college football blog. It is fun to talk about football with people who know football. As you might expect most of the readers are of the male species and this blog happens to use what they call "healing pics" of young college girls dressed very scantily. Now, I get that this is a mostly male site and I don't say too much. Today they posted a pic of a girl that was actually nude on top, only an artist had painted a tiger on her upper body. It was a beautiful work of art. The blogger gave credit for the photo to another blog site and the name of that blog site is POON SEC . This site is all pics of college girls supporting their sports teams.....(SEC is a college football conference in the south). So I innocently ask, believing that I would be correct, if Poon is a modern term for Porn. I had a very nice man email me the answer, and it was in a rather vague manner, so I incorrectly assumed at that point that it meant breasts. I then asked my friend Roy, who happens to live in the south and he informed me of the real meaning.....then the posters graciously answered my question on the blog with this:

Urbandictionary.com

POON
1. Literally, vagina (see poontang).
2. A woman's genetalia. stems from the word "pudenda", which is actually in the dictionary.
3. Or the MAO version...."Straight up p@*sy homie." A bit crass and yet strangely hilarious.

I laughed so hard I almost wet myself...LOL. I knew that coming to Michigan for my graduate work was going to be a learning experience, I simply had no clue just how much of one it was going to be! Too funny!

10 more days......

Can you feel it? It is so close it is nearly going to bite me in the ass! 10 days left of this term. I can not tell you how ecstatic this thought makes me. Of course there is much work to be accomplished between now and then, but for this moment....this one moment, I am going to enjoy this millisecond between assignments and take a deep breath.

The other good news is that by all appearances Ferentz is not the next head coach of Michigan. I suppose it is a possibility.....but it seems less likely now. That would go a long way in easing my mind if that possibility was taken off the table officially. The rumor mill is just going to buzz until the official announcement is made, so I am trying to not get too sucked into that.

A work filled rest of the week and weekend. Next week will be insane as it is the last week of classes (for me, I believe that final exams are the following week, and none of my classes have that, I suppose the final papers and projects are considered final exams in graduate school).....I also have a presentation in the middle of my final week over in Kalamazoo....so that will be an added "OH SHIT" day for me......but all in all, it will come and it will go just as everything else in life and I will once again survive it all. Out of my 4 classes, I will be getting one 4.0, the rest of the classes......not so much. I am likely to get a 3.5 in 2 of the remaining 3 and a possible 3.0 (GOD FORBID) in the remaining class. I am accustomed to 4.0's.....however I will take what I can get this term......it was one hell of a start let me tell you. The fact that my stipend didn't cover me for the entire semester makes this last month a little bit more difficult, but I will put some hours in and make a little cash to pull it all off. I will be more relieved when my funding arrives for the Winter term and I have a plan on how to handle that a little better so that it will last until May.

Here is to hoping you have a spectacular day. Peace.

ps...Scott.....Margaritas soon?

Rumors

Suck. I nearly jumped off a cliff last night at the thought of Ferentz becoming our new head coach, and the fact of the matter is, it was all rumor. I really have to laugh at it all......I was pathetic, over what? A football team? Give me a fucking break! (F-bomb for drama, bite me) When one really weighs the importance of all things in life.....just how important is college football? Yeah. My point. So, although I am passionate about it, there are certainly other things in my life that weigh far more important. These are the things that need my attention, far more than a search for a football coach that I have ZERO say in. Seriously, I have no control over it.......it is almost funny when you look at it. Anyway.......I am nearly finished with these 3 papers...........oh the joy. This of course means that I can watch the finals of Dancing with the Stars without my laptop and a pile of books and articles on my lap. Sounds good to me! Peace.
[ed. note: I will have my laptop, to check on rumors of course ;o)]

Pain

Torture and pain is what these papers are for me right now. By this time tomorrow night, these 3 will be done (for better or worse) and I can start focusing on the last 4. To add to my pain and torture the rumor mill is THICK with the thought that Kirk Ferentz from Iowa will be our next head coach. This will make Michigan the laughing stock of America, I kid you not! His team (Iowa, a Big Ten team) just lost to Western Michigan University....(a MAC team, even less than the team we lost to at the beginning of the season) I am sick that this could even potentially be true. I just thought I would share my pain with you, aren't you glad I shared?

Churning....

I put one paper in the can (ok, so it needs an ending paragraph, bite me) and I am working away on another one. Trust me when I tell you that it is painful. I need to get this at least to some stage of finished before I hit the hay tonight because the third paper (these 3 are due by Tuesday night) is going to be super painful and I will need 2 days for it. The trouble with the paper that I am working on now, is it is 10 pages of bullshit. I say that because the prof isn't even going to read it. You heard me. But can this smart chick write 10 pages of bullshit? Oh hell no. I must force myself to write 10 pages of something worthy of being read, even though it will not be. *sigh* Ok.....back to the grind.......

Paper Churn

I am about to become a paper churn.....pure focus.......I have many assignments to accomplish, plus a few policies to write......this could get dicey nevertheless, I am up for it.

LSU lost last night. This could be a good thing for Michigan, IF we really want Les Miles as our coach. In losing last night LSU fell out of the top spot and MOST likely will not play for the National Championship on January 7th. This means the regular season will be over for them after next Saturday and Michigan could begin seeking out Les Miles for the coaching job they have open much sooner than waiting until after January 7th. The problem of course is that I am not sure that Les Miles is the man for the job. Many hope that he becomes our next coach. I waiver. He bleeds Blue and Maize and that is attractive to me. I want someone that loves Michigan and that wants to stay here, not use it as a stepping ladder to some other dream job. However, I truly am not sold on him as a coach. It won't be long and we will discover what the future has to hold.

Ok....off to crank up the paper churn......focus, focus, focus!!!

$$$$$$

Today is a day to make some cash. I am writing a policy for the place I consult for (on billing, oh the joy) This of course I can do from my apartment. Today I need to get a few more pieces of information and then work on some reports that I can not do from home regarding a few other things that I am doing for them. Then, this evening I will be traveling back to A2. I made that decision this morning since I have LOTS of work to do over the weekend on homework, I want to get a start on it first thing in the morning tomorrow, rather than traveling in the morning. I didn't get the entire house clean, but then I figured that I would be here often enough in December to get it cleaned up good, I just felt super yukky (a new medical term ;o) yesterday, so I didn't push it. I will come home at lunch however and fold the laundry that I washed. If I don't it won't move from the pile in the dining room until I return, and well by then I will just have to wash it again, since they will have walked all over it and tossed in some dirty clothes for good measure (I am not a fan of smelling to determine if it is clean or dirty)

I am still not feeing great. I did start a new medication (this yukky thing started before that) and I am sure that the medication is making it worse, I won't have to take it for long, and I just need to be sure that I take it with food in my stomach BEFORE I take it, otherwise, it is major stomach pain. Even with doing that, I have an upset stomach until it passes through. Since I did confess to you all that I went back to smoking (shhhhhhhhhh) I am taking Chantix to once again quit. I can not afford it, plus it will kill me sooner, so I know I need to not drag this out and just quit. I give the Chantix a few days then go cold turkey, it takes 3 days for the nicotine to get out of the blood and the Chantix works on the brain connection. It actually does pretty well. There are 3 miserable days, but not as bad as if I was totally cold turkey. The research proves (and I disproved it) that those who quite cold turkey are more successful in the long run at quitting. Thus the cold turkey part.....which I did last time and honestly it is miserable enough that you think "I will never smoke again, because I would have to quit again and that is so fucking miserable that I can't even imagine having to do it agian......then you start graduate school and realize that is far more miserable and smoking might make it easier.....LMAO! Ok....enough about that nasty habit.....after this weekend it will be history once again. Working out also helps, so that is what I will be turning to (rather than food).

Well.....time to get beautiful and make some cash.......peace...............:o)

Home Sweet.......

NASTY Home! UGH!!!!!!! I think the kids planned the fact that I would be home for Thanksgiving and I swear I nearly had dry heaves cleaning the kitchen.....They think that they are doing something good by filling up the bowls and pans with water to "soak" only they have been "soaking" for so long that it is moldy water.....yeah.....GROSS!!!! Next time I am staying at my mothers! (ok, that actually might be more tortureous.....damn) Maybe I need to NOT clean when I come home.....hmmm....ok, that won't work either......College kids......this is normal right? OYE! You may remember that I wasn't feeling well and was going to go to the doctor, then yesterday I was feeling ok, so I skipped the doctor......and today, I am back to feeling poorly again. I can't quite put my finger on it, just an overall crappy feeling.....super tired. I don't get colds or the flu and when/if I do it is usually mild, so I am wondering if this isn't just a mild version of the flu. Anyway....I started the laundry, cleaned the kitchen and fixed up some dinner for the kids......now I am resting and will clean the rest of the house in the morning. (doesn't it make you nuts when I put my to do list on here....geeesshhh!!!)

At any rate.........just a quick note to let you know I arrived here safely and I should survive the filth ;o)

More Confessions......

Ok, so I confessed to watching Oprah today and the Bachelor last night. (neither of which I plan to repeat anytime soon) My real secret is Dancing with Stars. Yes in deed, I started watching this show by accident earlier this season and I am addicted! (Does this make me an old lady?????) It is just cool to watch. I don't plan my schedule around it, however the nights I have missed it, I do check the news the next day to see who was eliminated. I would LOVE to dance like they do. I even have thought it might be fun to look for a dance class. Working out would be a hell of a lot more fun! Hmmm......I really do need to get out and meet people in Ann Arbor, this might not be a bad idea. I wonder if guys who like football would be at a dance class........ROFLMAO! That would so be my luck, meet some guy at a dance class and he would hate football! Well, as long as he could let me have my football Saturdays (it is only 10 weeks a year) I could make it well worth his time ;o) Well......I think men are the last thing I should be thinking about right now......which is what I usually say and might explain why I am single......

I am heading home tomorrow after a hair cut. I have a policy to write for a consulting job and turkey to eat with my family. I will be back in A2 over the weekend to dig into these papers that are due! ONLY 2 weeks left to this term! HOLY SHIT! I shouldn't be watching Dancing with the Stars, I should be writing papers.....crap!

Favorite Things

How lucky are the audience members of Oprah's Favorite things show??? MY GOD! These incredible things that are Oprah's favorite things and the audience members each get every single thing! That is incredible! I would love to be one of those audience members!!! I don't watch much television and rarely watch Oprah, but it just happened to be on that channel when I flipped it on. I also watched the finale last night for the Bachelor (a show I would never be caught dead watching) but somehow I got dragged into it. He didn't pick either girl! I thought that was pretty cool. As neither of them seemed like they were good enough (in my opinion). It was slightly interesting, however I have NO plans to watch it in the future. I would, however consider getting a ticket to one of Oprah's favorite things show in the future ;o)

One of my favorite things is California Kitchen Pizza, the tomato pizza, yummy, which is what is cooking in my oven as I type this. Once I eat I will try to yank my head out of the sand and do some of this homework that is waiting for my attention. I think that is the best way to describe what I find myself doing. I bury my head in the sand out of fear. It is not conscious fear, but something that underlies waiting to trip me up. I had a vision of what my life would be like, moving to Ann Arbor and for reasons that I haven't quite figure out, I have avoided bringing this vision to fruition. I am working on being conscious of this and taking the steps to accomplish my vision. This might sound cryptic, it really isn't, it just is difficult to explain, so without me getting too philosophical that is it in a nutshell. Peace.

It is Official

Lloyd Carr is retiring as the Head Coach of Michigan Football. Depending on who you talk to this is a good thing. It also is a huge loss to this program. If nothing else, the fact that he "gets" that these are simply young men playing ball for their school, is something that will truly be missed. College Football has become a business, a BIG business and it is a little sad. Now, as a Michigan Football fan, I also have good thoughts about this because it means new blood, an infusion that is a little over due. All the talk around A2 right now is about Les Miles. It is even rumored that his wife bought a house here. (that is TOTAL rumor and I have ZERO first hand information, so PLEASE do not think this is accurate) . I have mixed feelings about Miles being the next coach. I have heard about a few shady things with this guy and I would hope that they are not true. Getting Miles means we sit and wait and what is that going to do for recruiting? Not much. So, anyone's guess is as good as mine and at this point, I am willing to wait and see. (As if I have a choice in that matter!!! HA!)
Thanksgiving week, I have lots of meetings this week and lots of papers that I need to get busy on. I will be going home to see the kidlets and my parents, but it will be a short visit, as I have so much to accomplish before the end of the term. I continue to not feel 100% and will go to see the doctor tomorrow. I think that might be enough update for one day. I hope that you are all having a wonderful start to your week!! Peace.

Ruh Roh.......

I have that introspective feeling, like I am going to type out some heart felt post about my life. I am sure that the disappointment of Michigan playing poorly lingers some. I know that the nightmare roommate situation also hangs over me to a large degree, although since she has moved out, I do have some relief from that. I am not feeling 100% healthy and I can't quite put my finger on what it is that I am feeling, maybe just run down. It is rather disconcerting to feel not completely healthy and realize that if I died here, I would not be found for a LONG time. (no worries, I am not planning on dying). I am planning to take it rather easy today. (although I am in the midst of cleaning the apartment) I will organize the work that remains for the last 3 weeks of the term (final papers, lots of work) and simply rest today. Probably do some of the reading that is required for me to complete the papers, put my feet up and just chill out. I do have a dentist appointment this week and I am going to make a doctor's appointment as well. I also will be contacting MFit to get started back at the gym, now that it is cold, walking outside will be difficult to get motivated for. I also need to make some cash. I know that the winter term is going to MUCH more labor intensive than this term was, so looking for a job locally would be difficult. I need to evaluate that situation as well.....I don't think I will make it on the stipend for the winter term, so a job may be required if my time limits me in consulting. I am very indecisive on this point. Ok, I tried not to be too philosophical this morning and I am very sure this was incredibly boring to read, my apologies. Here is to a beautiful day for each of you....the sun is out here.........I am going to finish cleaning and then put my feet up and rest. Peace.

Really.

Really. Sad. That was the worst game they have played. Holy Cow. On top of Michigan forgetting to even show up for the game (the offense anyway, the defense actually had a decent game) I had this little brat sitting in front of me who decided that my legs were a nice back rest and when he wasn't leaning back to rest on my legs, he was elbowing my shins.....I was so annoyed. I would MOVE my legs and he would lean back farther!!! Seriously annoying, on top of my seriously annoyed demeanor because of all of the things that I thought could happen today, the offense playing like a pack of high school kids was not one of the options I had dreamed up. I can't believe that I am even saying this, but they should have left Mallett in, he was doing better than Henne. Anyway....its over.......and now it shall be interesting to see how the entire season ends up. Some crappy bowl, if we are lucky and God help us, a new coach. Go Blue!

GO BLUE!!!!!

Let me hear your battle cry!!!!! Post it in the comments!!!! GO BLUE!!!!!! HAIL to MICHIGAN!!!!!


I will be heading out to the game in a little bit.........I want to be there when the gates open.........this is going to be a day to remember.....win or lose!



GO BLUE!!!! BEAT THE BUCKS!!!!!! HAIL TO MICHIGAN!!!!!!

Hail to the Victors ... Valiant

Hail to the Conquering Heros, Hail Hail To Michigan the leader and the best!

On the eve of THE game, I am so excited I can barely stand it. Tomorrow is the seniors last game at the Big House and most likely Carr's last game as head coach in the Big House. It is my first season as a "student", although I have been a life long fan. ESPN is holding Game Day in Ann Arbor and tomorrow, the Big Ten Championship is up for grabs, as is an appearance at the Rose Bowl. I desperately wish for our team to come out of the tunnel as the great team they are and kick the Buckeyes back to Columbus! I want to cheer that team as they walk back through the tunnel one last time, knowing that they are truly an inspiration to many Michigan fans. Henne, Hart and Long turned away from the NFL draft last year, to come back to play one last year, with the hopes of a National Championship, then September 1st arrived and Appy State rolled into town and that dream died. This team became the laughing stock of the entire country and then they did something that I will never forget....they held their head high, didn't say a word and went on to win 8 straight games. They never quit and one thing that I know for sure, they have not quit yet and they will run through that tunnel one last time with their heads held high and they won't quit until the last second runs out on the clock. I will be there, cheering them on every second, and win or lose, I will be saying Hail to the Victors valiant, Hail to the conquering heros, HAIL HAIL to Michigan the leader and the best! For those who stay, will be champions!

GO BLUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Snowing!

Holy Cow it just started SNOWING here in A2! It doesn't look as if it will stick though.

The hospital called and I am a match for my father! Yeah! Now I need to do a few things to make this happen, and although I am a match blood wise, there are still many tests that need to be completed. So, again, this is still in the very beginning stages, I am excited to think that I may be able to help my father with this.

The roommate has moved out. My space is mine again. I don't have time to put all of my things back in place, but I will soon enough.

Right now.....I have major homework to worry about!!! I really wish to complete this today so I can enjoy the next 2 days ramping up for THE game of the year.....GO BLUE!!!!! Beat the Bucks!!!!!!!!!!! WWOHHOOO!!!!

Kidney anyone?

I spent the day with my father, jumping through the hoops of getting put on the national donor list for a kidney. I also had them take blood to see if I would be a match. It is a laproscopy surgery and only puts you down for 2 weeks at the most. If my blood is a match for his, then I would go through the entire screening process to be sure that I am healthy enough AND that I am not at risk for renal problems myself. The entire process would take months, making it next Spring, which would be good for my schedule. I am more than willing to do it for him. We were very impressed with the entire process, the staff and everyone that we came into contact with at the hospital. We had to go to different stops along the way, and each time that we stopped to look at a map, an employee walking by would stop and ask if we needed help. We never waited for anything, every test that we had to get, we arrived, gave our paper work and then his name was called. It was quite impressive.

On another note.......the roomate is moving out tomorrow. Shocked. Relieved. Slightly guilty feeling, but I do know I did the right thing.

Peace.

Some neutral ground

We talked last night and came to a much better understanding. This will be liveable until she leaves. That is the good news.

Today, I get to spend the day at the "U" (The University of Michigan Hospital) with my father, as he attempts to get on the list for a Kidney (he is hoping that I am a match and will give him mine, which of course I would, but we will see about that at antoher time) Then we will go to dinner this evening. I have 2 assignments due yet this week, so I must take some of that with me and tomorrow I need to focus on that.

Friday is a huge pep rally at the Diag on Campus for the Ohio State game it is 3 hours long but it sounds like it would be so fun to experince that. The Diag is "outdoors" by my understanding, so I think an old lady wouldn't be as noticeable at this event......LOL.....so I am hoping to attend. Of course Saturday I will be at the game and I am very excited about that. I think it is going to be one hell of a game. This is Hart, Henne, and Long's last game at the big house, and if the rumors are true, it also is Carr's last game at the big house.......so......it also will prove to be emotional.

That pretty much fills you in on the latest here. Now I need to get ready, grab a protein bar and go pick up my father.......I am hoping you have a wonderful day!!

I am what is wrong with America

Yes indeed, right here, this gal........the inability to show love and care.........at least that is what my roomate tells me. So as of last evening, I am the biggest loser in the world and well....I could go on, but what is the point, I may as well go and shoot myself and see if I can't help repair what is wrong with America. On second thought.........how about I just do my homework, fix dinner for my father, and hope that December 8th comes sooner than it feels like it will get here. I know one thing for sure, I have the ability to get myself in situations that could drive even the most sane people to the brink of insanity.

Ok....off to see if I can find a self improvement book.......enjoy your day.

Chugging Along

Lots of homework (does that surprise anyone?) Today is the fateful day that I will tell the roomie to move on December 8th. I know, I said I was going to tell her on Saturday, but circumstances arose and well....I couldn't do it. I do have a letter in back up, if my panic seems to take over once again. Only 4 weeks left and I really must focus, and I must say, that is difficult to do with the present situation. I continue to schedule presentations for end of life care. My December is going to be filled with them! I am trying to schedule them in December so that when January hits, it won't be too busy with classes resuming. Ok, back to the grind here, my father is arriving tomorrow, I need to have the majority of this done by then. Peace out!

OYE!

Ok, so the panic with the roomate situation has made it difficult to focus, Today I am sitting here working on focusing and BOY OH BOY, I am a wee bit behind on things. I also realized that I had forgotten an assignment that was due on Thursday, SOOOO I emailed the assistant to the prof last night (she collects the assignments and gives them to the prof) and asked if I could send it to her late. She emailed back and said that I could. Whew, one bullet dodged. (I still may lose points for tardiness, but better than a complete zero!) ACK! so little miss catch up will be working like mad today and tomorrow to right the ship so to speak. My father and step mother and another couple that they are friends with are coming to visit me this week. Oh the joy of that! They aren't staying at my apartment though, so hopefully I won't be completely annoyed! (that really sounds awful, sorry). I meet with my prof advisor tomorrow regarding my program plan and I spent yesterday working on that. I am as ready for that meeting as I will ever be. Only 4 weeks left in this term, good gravy I am actually going to survive it! However it is doubtful that I will run the table with all 4.0s, but I will gladly settle for some 3.5's in the mix at this point. Anything less than that might cause me to jump off a cliff (joking).(sort of). HA! Ok......back to the helm, this ship needs a 180 degree turn about.......but it can be done! Peace!

The agony of Defeat

Does it make me a poor sports fan to say that the loss to Wisky is less painful since OSU lost to Illinois?? I am a little ashamed of that fact, but hey, I don't feel as upset, so I guess I will accept it. Seriously people the Michigan Defense stayed home today. They did not show up for the game, plain and simple. That was the worst performance (ok, so the APPY State game was worse and since I didn't get to see the Oregan game, who knows, but I would guess that was ugly too) by our defense this year. Offense was gimpy and I can only guess they are saving Hart and Henne for tOSU next week. (which of course COULD possibly make sense, IF we win next week, but if you ask me that was not a smart move) And, if you want to discuss smart moves, lets talk about 4th and 20 on the FIVE yard line (OUR 5 yard line)......yeah, so they flippin GO for it.........GET REAL.....we turn it over on downs and let them get another TD on the next play........give me a flippin break.....that was simply moronic (probably not a word, but lets add it to the dictionary with a photo of Carr next to it) Ok.....so....there you have it.....my rant about Michigan Football......redemption can be theirs and all can be forgiven if they beat down tOSU next week........I am not holding my breath! (However I WILL be cheering loudly for 4 quarters until the bitter end) GO BLUE!

Little AND Big

I got a treat and was able to spend time with BOTH Little and Big! (Thanks Scott for coming with!) I stocked up on LUSH, had the most fabulous lunch at Macy's. The food there was 5 Star!! Wonderful comfort food in meatloaf and mashed potatoes! YUM and this sinful dessert. We also stopped at a gourment chocolate store so I could stock up on a few pieces of chocolate. So tonight I am going to take a LUSH bath with a LUSH face mask and other wonderful LUSH products after the bath! I will have a yummy piece of chocolate, some sort of alcoholic beverage and love every second. Then, I will tell my roomate that she has to move out by December 8th. If she was home, I might consider doing that first, but she isn't, so I will do it after. But I digress, I am always so honored that Scott and Scott will take the time for me and I always enjoy spending time with them. Thanks my friends!

Little to the Rescue!

Scott is willing to risk it all to have lunch with this psycho freak tomorrow! I can not tell you just how much this comforts me. Just to know that I get to have a little fun, enjoy intelligent company and shop for a few LUSH products......gives me something wonderful to look forward to tomorrow! I will work hard to be sure he doesn't regret his decision. I seriously am wondering just exactly what is wrong with me. It is really disconcerting. Anyway......tomorrow I get to enjoy the company of Scott and that makes me feel good!

Valuable Lessons

I continue to learn valuable lessons. I realize that is life and since I am still living (thank goodness) I will continue to learn. I have not proven myself competent at setting my personal boundaries. I have the roomate situation, of which I need to do something more about. I have learned from this situation and will use some of what I have learned to keep my boundaries in another situation. My plan is to have the roomate situation resolved by December 7th. That is the last day of classes for this term, then she will need to do something different. The thing about this situation is in MANY ways, it is not about her. Yes, there are issues that make it more precarious, it really is more about my difficulty in sharing my space. This makes me feel horrible. I can not shake the panic feeling either. The combination is making me slightly nuts. I did have a hot cocoa with some baileys in it. May as well alcohol abuse to my list of coping skills. ;o) Ok.....today is my day to plan my program, so I need to get back to that. I just wanted to type some of these thoughts out loud. Here is to panic falling away....it is a bit immobilizing. Peace.

Home Again!

I have returned home to A2. I had an interesting feeling the closer I was to A2, the more panic I felt. Panic may be too strong of a word, more discomfort. Normally I would be thinking of returning to my nice quiet, clean apartment and knowing I was coming home to a roomate who would want to talk the rest of the eveing was not something I was looking forward to. I just wanted to read my email, read the sports page and relax a moment. I find it truly interesting that I see this side of myself, almost reclusive. I also see that side of myself that jumps before I look. I jump into some things that really have gotten messy and I always get myself out and get myself cleaned up, but one might think that after jumping enough times into messy situations I might just learn to look before I jump. Maybe the old adage "can't teach an old dog new tricks" is more true than I would like to think. I am tired and probably should just go to bed and here I sit looking at the wall by the door that now has sticking notes pasted to it......my roomies self reminders about something (of which I don't really even care to know what they are) I just know that I am not found of sticky notes pasted to the wall. (and it isn't really a big deal.....just one of those things that makes you think.............my god I need to chill out. I don't like the side of myself that I am seeing........Anyway.....I think going to bed is a perfect idea, so off I go. Peace.

Monday, Monday

I have accomplished so much the last few days, it is an incredible feeling. Now I am on my way to the school of dentistry (I so hate going). I am all packed to head to the west side of the state and get a few days of work in. I have staff training to do Tuesday and Wednesday night so that will be fun as well. Of course the cleaning and laundry will get done for the kids (I am taking my laundry with too). If I just didn't have to go to the dentist today, it would be a great day. I did have a conversation with my roomie (made her cry, which of course I hate doing) I think we have things planned out that we both understand what the plan is. Not exactly how I had envisioned things, but I can live with it. I should be checking in here as I will have my lap top. Hope all is well for each of you!

Hail to the Victors!

It was slightly ugly, but the senior players on the Michigan team showed once again that they have true heart. The first half showed a strong Michigan defense, the 2nd half MSU came out to win and we seemed to have gone home until the 4th quarter where we basically said "Uh, I don't think so" and took the game back. I love that about this team. They don't quit and after the first two games of the season, they had reason to quit, but they stood tall and didn't flinch at their critics and have shown they have incredible heart.

I have lingerings of the panic however I do believe I have it under conrol. I will be having a conversation with the roomie to clarify everything. I want to be sure that I have my thoughts straight and my approach caring but firm. I find it simply amazing that I have such a talent for getting myself in impossible situations. It is eye opening as well to see just how much of a loner I am. I think this will be valuable learning for me. (in more ways than one)

I finished up the presentations that I am giving this coming week and that feels good. Now I must fill out the applicaiton for CEU's with the state and finish the answer to the Grant. Today I also need to do a 60 slide presentation on a governement report on the quality of Health Care in America today. That should prove to be "oh so fun". I have some time in the morning to finish that as well. In the afternoon I must go to the School of Dentistry for the start of some work on my mouth. I really detest going to the dentist and the thought causes panic to arise in me as well. I am leaning towards heading "back home" tomorrow evening, rather than Tuesday morning. I have work to do and I have two presentations for staff trainings on Tuesday and Wednesday evening. I will return to A2 either Wednesday night or Thursday.

The UofM is offering an interdisciplinary class on death and dying. It is for nurses, social workers and physicians. I have been in contact with the professor over seeing the class and I will probably do two of my presentations for this class. I will likely take the class on my roster as well, to see what exactly they are teaching here at the University, since this is my field of study. The prof requested that I do that, and I figure as long as the work load is light, that shouldn't be a problem. I also have arrangements to meet with a few professors who have interests in my field of study as I am trying to form my program committee. I try to plan ahead with my schedule but there is just so much that I am still working on a day to day basis, with small glimpses of what the next few days hold. If I can impact the training that medical students receive in end of life care, I will feel a huge accomplishment in that alone!

Ok.....back to the 60 slide presentation...................I am hoping that you each are having a relaxing weekend.......peace.

Update

I am feeling slightly better, at least not on the edge right now, still a fluttery feeling in my chest and stomach. LUSH WOULD help as would a strong margarita, neither of which is possible at the moment. I do have another thought of what could be the cause:

I had class all day and since parking is non-existent on campus, I parked in the parking garage downtown and walked. On the way, I ran into two homeless beggers. No biggie, I have run into them before, however, one of them was a female and she was touching me, asking me for money and I said "no, not today, sorry" when she grabbed my necklace (I had a silver chain with a silver circle on it) and was about to rip it off me. My immediate reaction was to take her hand off me and push her away. All of this of course as I was walking. I was surprised by this and actually felt slightly violated, but I thought I just blew it off. That really is when I started having an anxious feeling. (The roomie had her phone conversation on the way) It started small, and lingered all day until towards the end of class when I was just wanting to get the hell out of there. I wonder if that psychologically affected me more than I thought it did. Or possibly that added to the roomie thing. Or maybe I am just a psychotic freak.....who knows.....I just hope I feel better tomorrow........and get my homework in the can in time to have a good margarita while I watch the game ;o)

This is going to be ugly

I am on the verge of a panic attack. I am never this high strung. It is disturbing to feel so anxious. It isn't something I want to plaster all over for public consumption, but it is related to my new roomate after hearing a conversation that she had with her family and her perception of what my offer was to her. That is the only thing that I can think of that would make me feel as anxious as I do. Seriously, it feels like I will "lose it" any minute. It is strange how these type of feelings are so irrational. Logically I can say all sorts of things to myself to try to calm myself down, but the physical symptoms remain. It really is interesting how this works and affects a person.

The classes that I am taking are things that I have learned in my life experience and I think that has been a frustrating point for me, doing busy work for something I already know. This week had a turning point for me. I realized that I may not be learning from the material, nevertheless, I am learning from the extra things that I am doing to accomplish the homework. Things like going to the writing center and learning some really good tips on sentence structure that also flow to thought formation and speaking. This realization has tremendous value to me and makes the busy work seem less frustrating.

My roomate is 7th Day Adventist so she observes the sabbath, which means at sundown tonight until sun up on Sunday morning, she doesn't do anything, not even cook! I was sure to clarify that I would not offend her if I don't follow suit. I have too much homework to not be doing it tonight and tomorrow! I also was sure to clarify that I WOULD be watching the Michigan game on Television tomorrow afternoon! Fortunately, she is very gracious and understanding that I do not hold her same values about the sabbath.

Ok.....I don't know what to do for sure to make this paniced feeling go away.......sex might work, but that ain't happening anytime soon....LMAO! For now, I guess I will just try to relax. Peace out!

Summary

That is all that I need for this damn paper (which sucks btw). Maybe I will feel better about it after I visit the writing center. At least I have something to take to the writing center! For class tonight we are suppose to take "treats". I think I will stop and purchase something rather than whip something up in the kitchen. Although, I maybe could use the distraction ;o) At any rate, at least this paper is "in the can" (almost) and I can move on to the many other things to read and write that lay in disarray on my dining room table. I seldom feel that I am on top, as soon as I feel "accomplished" I peruse the disarray and realize that there is "oh so much more to do". Just a side note........."it ain't gonna get better folks".......thus is the life of a poor grad student.

Something I have neglected to share here but warrants disclosure.......in the stress that has ensued, I took up smoking again. Now of course I must quit again. How is that for a smart chick? Yeah. Agreed. Ignorant.

Aside from the exra weight I have already put on, I now must diet AND quit smoking, oh the joy.

There must be something positive to share with you. Right. Positive. Hmm. My roomate and I are getting along fine. I won at solitaire this morning. It is November. Football season is not over yet. The weather has been gorgeous. My apartment is clean. Ok, I think that might be enough joy, jubilation, glee and euphoria for one morning.

Here is to hoping that you have a euphoric day :o)